GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

April 4, 2020

The Four Questions of the Passover Seder: Corona Version

First: On all other nights, we eat leavened foods and matzoh. Why, on this night, only matzoh? Because there is a shortage of toilet paper, and matzoh will give you such constipation that you will not need toilet paper for a month. Second: On all other nights, we don’t dip even once. Why, on this night, do we dip twice? Because Doctor Fauci said that we must dip everything twice, including our food, feet, and hands, in Clorox, for 20 seconds, before we eat, drink, or touch our face. Third: On all other nights, we eat all vegetables. Why, on this night, bitter herbs? Because Fox News believes they will cure corona. Fourth: On all other nights, we eat either sitting upright or reclining. Why, on this night, do we all recline? To remind us of the days when we had toilet paper.     Isaac Prilleltensky is an award-winning academic and humor writer. His latest books, The Laughing Guide to Change, and The Laughing Guide to a Better Life, co-authored with Ora Prilleltensky, combine humor with science.  
March 30, 2020

COVID19: Veni, vidi, vici

  Veni, vidi, vici is a Latin phrase meaning “I came, I saw, I conquered.” The saying is attributed to Julius Caesar, who apparently used it in a letter to the Roman Senate around 47 BC after a swift and convincing victory against Pharnaces II of Pontus at the Battle of Zela. But you already knew that, so let me tell you something you don’t already know. While the world is rooting for Dr. Fauci and scientists around the world to beat COVID19, I’m waging my own war against the virus. I’m not going to let any corona disrupt my life. While everyone was scrambling to buy toilet paper, I was on Amazon searching for a do-it-yourself apparatus for cutting my own hair. Toilet paper I could recycle, I thought, but there was no way I would set foot in a salon. I knew we were entering not only the corona age, but also the zoom age, and my pre-corona-self needed to look clean and tidy for the onslaught of online meetings at work. A quick trip to YouTube showed me how to cut my own hair using a razor. As usual, Amazon offered seventy two thousand different types of […]
January 22, 2019

Falling Behind

To escape embarrassing questions, such as have you seen the latest exhibit at the bumptious museum, my family usually moves continents every few years. The problem is that we never stay long enough in any one place to learn local customs or practice regional idioms. For example, in Australia, I had been looking forward to using the expression crack a fat, but we moved before I had a chance to practice it. I’m sorry I can’t tell you what crack a fat means, but I can tell you that they recommend Crackiagra or Crackialis for it. In Melbourne, half the time I could not understand what people were telling me. In Nashville, Tennessee, nobody could understand what I was saying. I never heard the word WHAT in Southern drawl so many times. That prompted our move to Miami, where 156% of the population speak with a funny accent like mine, and the other 32% cannot do math. When I left Argentina in 1976, get this, the internet had not been invented, which meant that I could not easily keep up with gossip in my native country. This pretty much guaranteed cluelessness about all things Argentina, except news about the latest […]
January 18, 2019

Feeling Beneath

My palpitations could be heard from Key West. Cortisol flowed through my veins faster than a red Ferrari in Miami. My hands were cold. My mouth was dry. I started sweating. My chest was tightening. Judging from the way the conversation was going, I knew the question would come up any time now. I knew somebody at the party would ask me if I had read the latest book by Yuval Harari. These days, you really can’t go to the bathroom without the guy in the next urinal asking if you’ve read Harari’s work, which sends you scrambling to the nearest digital device to purchase his latest book on amazon, lest you are the last person to know that in 2045 Facebook will know the texture of your bowel movements. This pretty much sums up his latest book by the way. But the questions do not stop with Harari. Have I heard the latest version of the Opera Carmen by Teresa Berganza? Do I know the meaning of floccinaucinihilipilification (fläksəˌnôsəˌnīˌhiləˌpiləfiˈkāSHən), which means the act or habit of estimating something as worthless? Try pronouncing it. Feel worthless yet? I know my friends and acquaintances mean no harm, but every time I […]
January 13, 2019

Smart Objects, Dumb Subjects: Part II

Narcissists may not espouse any values other than self-admiration, but there are people who actually fervently believe in justice, fairness, and compassion, but behave in self-righteous ways that betray all the principles they seem to espouse. You can see them putting down colleagues in meetings or asserting their superiority on account of education or ACT, SAT, GRE, GPA, L-SAT, M-CAT, or FAQ-U scores. This is very common in institutions of higher education by the way. When you mix clueless with egotistical you suffer from people who talk forever, hog the mic, and bore the audience to tears with tired arguments that usually entail some self-aggrandizing BS. When they start talking, you can actually read bubbles on top of people’s heads: for how long is he going to talk about the same old BS now? This is usually accompanied by a collective sigh of resignation. This is not uncommon in faculty meetings by the way. Some unbearable people like to show their shiny new toys. These may vary from the new yacht to the new condo to the new watch to the new piece of art. They think everyone is interested in material things the way they are. Are they hiding […]

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