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Release of FBI Memo last hurdle to join Banana Republics

 

Joining the League of Banana Republics (LBR) is a complicated and arduous process. The list of requirements is long and challenging. Very few leaders manage to fulfill all the expectations in one year, but Trump has just managed such feat. With the release of the FBI memo on February 2, 2018, he completed all the requirements to secure membership of the United States of America in the exclusive club. The release of the FBI memo was the last hurdle imposed by the prestigious LBR.

On Friday, Trump declared: “I’m making America great again by joining a group of elite countries. This is clear evidence that we are winning.” The application process required from President Trump to prove that he can:

  1. Accuse the media of witch hunts against him and his administration
  2. Obtain the lowest approval rating of any President in the first year in office
  3. Derive personal financial gain from his official position
  4. Mock women, reporters, foreigners, and people with disabilities
  5. Pay porn stars to keep quiet about affairs
  6. Fire officials who exhibit integrity
  7. Bring the world to the brink of nuclear war
  8. Make a Cable News organization the unofficial propaganda arm of the government
  9. Disregard the rule of law, and
  10. Discredit law enforcement institutions

Reviewers of the application, submitted by Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell on behalf of the President, were impressed with the speed with which the Republican administration managed to fulfill all the requirements. Leaders of other countries had to work much harder to extricate from members of their own parties the last shred of integrity. In some countries, opponents to the President, from any party, end up in Siberia, or dead. “The United States is an exemplar of party acquiescence to the will of the leader. We wish more countries will follow its lead,” read the announcement.

Trump surrogates, who have been in touch with leaders of LBR during his campaign, were told that “no membership will be granted until serious disregard for the rule of law is exhibited, repeatedly, by the President and his close associates.” To expedite the process, Michael Flynn and Paul Manafort volunteered to help the President. Flynn got started in the actual swearing ceremony, but he could not beat Manafort, who fulfilled the expectation even before the President was elected.

Taking on law enforcement agencies was really important to LBR. They told the President that he had not yet shown sufficient disregard for the FBI. Devin Nunez, who wanted to redeem himself from previous acts of dignity, jumped at the opportunity. “Leave it with me,” he told the President. “I know how much this membership means to you Sir.” Within days, he was able to publish a report based on material he never read. “This is the type of behavior we expect from LBR leaders” said a spokesperson for the League.

Boasting about the LBR announcement, Sarah Huckabee Sanders said “Who needs the Paris accord when we got this? The United States has again assumed a position of leadership in the world.” She was also quick to announce that the President will be hosting a dinner for the leaders of LBR at Mar-A-Lago. The guests will be staying at the various Trump hotels in the region.

In Miami, reaction to the news was mixed. A refugee from a banana republic, was quoted as saying that “this is welcome news. We are very familiar with the rules of banana republics. This will make the process of adapting to the USA much smoother.”

On the other hand, Maria Lopez Esperanza Perdida, from “Make Miami Signal Again,” was very critical: “This will send us back many years. If the President can disregard the FBI, how are we going to persuade drivers that they have to signal before they make a turn?”

Isaac Prilleltensky is an academic and humor writer. His latest book is The Laughing Guide to Well-Being: Using Humor and Science to Become Happier and Healthier. You can follow his humor blog at www.thelaughingguide.com. He can be reached at prilleltensky@gmail.com

 

 

 

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