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Culturally Clueless, Linguistically Lost
August 21, 2016
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United in Judgment
October 3, 2016

Change: Neurosis beats Trumposis

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Adapt or die. Change or vanish. Adjust or bust. Exhortations to change are everywhere. From political campaigns to organizational restructuring to therapy sessions. To stay competitive, we are told, we must embrace change. The only constant is change. Change is an imperative. But wait a minute mister! Hold it right there! Who gets to decide what change is good for us? Is it the liberal media? The professorial elite? Chris Brown? Hillary Clinton? Donald Trump? The Dalai Lama? Anthony Weiner?

Obviously this is a topic of heated debate, but after years pondering this existential question I found the answer (To be honest, I found the answer when I was 7 years old, but waited 50 years to make sure I got it right). Now, at the ripe age of 57, I’m ready to share with you the authority on change. I looked high and low. I read extensively. I travelled the world. But at the end of the day, I found the answer close to home. The global authority on change is no other than me.

This did not come easy to me though. I’ve struggled with humility for many years, but I finally decided that it would not be fair to deprive the rest of you from my transcendental revelations. The reason I’m the authority on change is because I’ve struggled with it all my life. But after an inner journey, I decided that instead of me adjusting to the world, the world should adjust to me. I have empirical evidence to support my case:

  1. Thermostats: Based on 57 years of experience I discovered that the best temperature for me at night is 76.5° Fahrenheit — 76° is too cold, and 77° is too hot — but commercial thermostats do not have a setting for 76.5°. To reach the desired temperature I sleep half the night with the thermostat set at 76° and the other half at 77°. It is the only way to reach 76.5°.

 

  1. Underwear: I find that 99% of all underwear brands in the world are either too tight or too loose for my physique. Just like thermostats do not have middle numbers, underwear do not have half sizes. I know that I’m not the only person suffering from this type of discrimination, but am the only one with guts to admit it. In a couple of weeks I’m going to Italy for work, and am very excited to buy Intimissimi underwear, which is not available in the United States of Consumerism!

 

  1. Chairs: Like underwear, 99% of dining chairs are not made for humans. Recently my wife and I embarked on a shopping expedition to replace our dining table and chairs, which had been damaged by a contractor who came to fix one thing and ruined seven others along the way. Shopping in this country should be easy, you think, until you rest your back on chairs with straight wooden backs made for Guantanamo. No wonder 90% of Americans suffer from back pain. Should I adjust to this crazy world, or should the world adjust to me, I ask.

 

  1. Sofas: Our lovely contractor managed to ruin our sofa as well. After eleven excursions to Crate & Barrel, Macy’s, JC Penney, Rooms to Go, IKEA, Robb & Stucky, Ethan Allen, and El Dorado, I found it inexplicable that most sofas would be either too high, too deep, or too low for my build. Again, no half sizes. Your knees dangle in the air because the sofa is too high, or your butt is so far back that the cushion ends at your heels, causing deep vein thrombosis (not to be confused with trumposis, which is set to replace the zika virus as the most virulent epidemic affecting this country in centuries).

 

Our first trip to El Dorado lasted three hours. Ora, who thanks to extensive internet research knew about the store more than the salesperson, subjected the guy to interrogations about colors, makes, fabrics, prices, and country of origin the way custom officials interrogate refugees from Syria. I felt so bad for him that at the end of our visit I gave him $ 20. He looked puzzled, but I felt bad about leaving the store without buying anything. After all, these guys live on commission, and I have to live with my conscience.

 

  1. Self-deprecation: Today you cannot even engage in self-denigration. As soon as you get started a few voices come from the woodwork to tell you that it is not good for you. Since when did self-dejection become so objectionable? Even social scientists tell you that self-deprecating humor is not good for you. Excuse me, but what if I’m perfectly happy with my defects?

It takes a lifetime to nurture a neurotic personality, and to give up on it to adjust to the world would be tantamount to treason. I choose authenticity, and you should too. Be brave. Hold on to your hard-earned neurosis, and above all, do not replace it with trumposis.

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