May 1, 2014
Messianic Times
July 28, 2014

LeBron is gone, but it’s OK Miami, I’m still here

Earlier in the week rumors spread about Beckham leaving Miami and going to Broward County to find a location for his soccer stadium. Today, LeBron James announced that he is going back to the Cleveland Cavaliers. I know you are all thinking that I’m next, that Miami does not measure up to the likes of Beckham, James, and Prilleltensky, the great three; but I want to reassure you that I have rejected offers to return to Argentina to head a paramilitary group to hunt down international creditors.

This is an opportunity for Miami to turn inwards, to resist the limelight, to become a more down to earth place; a place of contemplation and introspection. It’s time to look at our inner beauty. I know that deep down, below several inches of silicon, augmented breasts, and Brazilian butt lifts, we all want to lead a simple life, devoid of capricious celebrities without loyalty.

But it’s no time to be judgmental Miami. It’s time to be compassionate. After all, most of us came here from somewhere else. Many of us have experienced separations before, from a nasty divorce, bankruptcy, communism, death squads, or tax collectors up north. Of all people, Miamians should understand LeBron wanting to go home.  After all, we have here hundreds of thousands of people who want to return to their home.  

It’s no time to be angry Miami; it’s time to celebrate what we do have:

1.      We still have the most drivers with a disability tag who get out of their cars miraculously cured, with no apparent sign of physical handicaps. All you have to do in Miami to overcome a physical handicap is get one of those handicap tags from your uncle’s deceased neighbor in Little Havana. As soon as you put it into your car, you are cured. Try it. I have seen thousands of people in Miami park their cars in a handicapped spot and get out of the car walking like they’ve never had a disability in their lives.  

2.      We are still the most bureaucracy-free health care delivery system in the nation, otherwise known as America’s Medicare fraud capital.

3.      We are still the only major city in America without a prefrontal cortex. People here are devoid of inhibitions and accompanying neuroses. We are the least repressed city in the world, saving us millions of dollars in costly psychiatric and psychological treatments. Only here people continue to build near the shoreline as if climate change happens just in English-speaking parts of the country. Only a cortex free city does that.

4.      We still have the most creative drivers in America who stop their cars in the middle of the road for no apparent reason other than contemplate the beautiful surroundings or text their abuelita. To optimize brain flexibility, drivers here never signal, keeping you guessing and forcing you to perform maneuvers you only see in commercials displaying the disclaimer “professional driver featured.”

5.      We still have the most inflated real estate market in the universe, where the only people able to afford a condo live 7,500 miles away and pay with cash obtained under dubious circumstances.

6.      We still offer commuters an opportunity to get to know each other, otherwise known as the most inefficient public transportation system in the world.

7.      We are still the only major city where people are allowed to text and drive. Here you don’t have to pay attention to traffic rules. Here you are free of government intervention into your personal affairs. Only here you can decide when you want to seal a deal via text. Try texting and driving in other major cities in America and the police will get between you and your hard fought liberties.

8.      We are still the only city where taxpayers subsidy millionaire sport club owners. Beckham will still come back once the mayor and city commissioners return to their senses.

9.      We are still the only city in the world where 93% of the population says “pero” instead of “but”, enriching the cultural experience of visitors and residents alike.

10.   We are still the city with the most implanted silicon per anatomical square inch in the world. Try that Cleveland!

Keep your head up Miami. We have nothing to fear. I’m still here.

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