Right now, all over this beautiful country, there are people finding a new reason to be alive. There is promise in the air. Converging groups are creating a revolutionary philosophy of meaning. Rebelling against traditional and constraining norms, these communities are finally asserting their worth and beliefs. Their new credo is about the pursuit of significance and spirituality. This may be the most substantive ideological shift we have seen in years; a social movement of unprecedented proportions.
What unites the movement is radical social change, innovation, and a fast return to the African Savannah, when the frontal cortex was the size of a microchip, and emotional regulation hadn’t been invented yet. People in the movement are openly asserting their right to be duped, wrong, and uninformed; and to be led by hateful, deceitful, and oblivious leaders. Quoting a variety of sources, from post-modern to conspiracy theorists, they claim that truth is an invention of elites.
Leaders of the movement maintain that the best way to achieve meaning in life is through their platform. To make sure that no shred of establishment is left intact, their manifesto is written in clear and contrasting language. The document reads as follows:
We, the people, prefer
Fast instead of slow: We have tried to find meaning in life for a long time, and the process has been very slow. We are tired of it. As everybody knows, fast is better than slow. We promise to expedite your way to transcendence. In keeping with new technologies, we can accelerate how to make you feel good, important, and superior. The movement is an incubator of big, bigly, great, greater, better, and faster things. It is the greatest startup ever. We discovered the shortcut to the meaning of life. Enough with the deliberate, methodic, and incremental way to make change. We want to feel like we matter now. Our leaders are making us feel great today, not tomorrow, not next year, today! Adrenalin has never flowed so fast through our whatever.
Dishonesty instead of integrity: There is a long list of athletes, celebrities, politicians, generals, bankers, and businesspeople who lie, cheat, evade taxes, and get away with murder. We want some of that too. Fairness is treating all of us equally. If they can get away with murder, why couldn’t we? We want them to teach us how to be famous, write books, and appear on TV. Our movement is open to all dishonest people, except journalists, of course, because we have standards.
Ignorance instead of knowledge: Let me tell you, we could really use a little more bread and circus here. And make sure it is white bread. None of this gluten-free, whole wheat BS.
Arrogance instead of humility: Mother Theresa is a thing of the past. On TV, all the arrogant people win. We are going to win again. Ah yes, and our leaders alone can fix things.
Wrong instead of right: What is right anyways? Who is to say that right is better than wrong? All we hear from pundits and professors is “on one hand this, but on the other hand that.” What good is that? Look at what doing the right thing has done for us, nothing! Besides, doing the right thing is hard, and who needs hard when you can do easy, fast, and simple. This is what we love about our leaders: they keep it simple.
Hate instead of love: Hate is fast, wrong, and supported by lies. You want adrenaline to flow through your whatnot? Try a little hate mixed in with xenophobia (we know long words too).
Vulgarity instead of civility: Civility is old. We like new. We liberated ourselves from the monarchy a long time ago. Do you ever see the Queen laughing? Mockery is fun, and fast, so must be good.
Exclusion instead of integration: This is like football. Do you want us to love our opponents? Our country is our team. Exclusion is wrong, fast, and driven by hatred. Luscious!
Lies instead of truth: The Department of Justice is a big waste of money. Think about how much we could save if we did away with facts. No commissions of inquiry, no expensive lawyers, no reports. You want a cleaner environment? Stop printing lengthy reports about who lied and who told the truth. After all, you are only going to get lies, lies, and alternative lies.