GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

June 19, 2016
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Management Metric Madness

As every self-respected manager knows (I know because I’m UPPER management), you have to have metrics to measure your goals and assess your progress. You have to have metrics to measure your physical wellness, your productivity, your savings, your laundry habits — everything. Let’s say you’ve worn the same underwear for the last three months; a reasonable goal would be to wash it at least once a week. All over the world, corporations and incompetent people alike pay thousands of dollars for coaches who tell them they need metrics. I was very skeptical, so I did some research on these coaches. I discovered that the only experience they have is telling other people how to achieve their goals; the only goal they’ve ever achieved is getting a website; and the only metric they count is the number of fools who hire them. I found my solution right here on my Outlook email program. I decided to use the Tasks Tab to record my goals and to color code them. After typing furiously for seven hours I recorded 257 goals with all the colors of the rainbow: Blue: Get rich. Purple: Look like Hugh Jackman. Green: Get hired as a coach. […]
June 12, 2016
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Getting Organized Key to Well-Being

Being organized is key to well-being, but only 0.0000000000000000001 percent of the world’s population can legitimately claim that they are organized: my aunt Eusebia and I. Since she passed away over 25 years ago, it is now my sole responsibility to teach the world how to be organized. To be organized you have to be awake (dreams are always very messy), you have to have paper and pencil, or you need to download one of the 5,576,444,290 apps that claim to help with organization, time management, priorities, schedule, goals, objectives, and bad breadth, all essential for success at work. If you are like most people, you are going to spend 2,789 hours choosing the right time-saving app from the app store. After you download it, you are going to use it for about three minutes until you get an email from your brother telling you that you must watch the latest TED talk on productivity. As you are about to click on the link, you are distracted by various pop-ups with offers to purchase cruise tickets, houses on foreclosure, and antiques from Estonia. By the time you are ready to watch the video on productivity you realize it’s time to […]
June 2, 2016
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Graduation: The Light Side

Education is essential for well-being. College graduates earn more money, live longer, and are healthier than school drop-outs. This is why graduation ceremonies are such a big deal. It is really important to celebrate this great educational achievement. During May, thousands of students and parents celebrated an important milestone in their lives. In a rapidly changing world, graduation ceremonies around the country remain a well-established tradition. Some things never change in college graduations: 99% of the graduating girls will have to see a podiatrist after wearing high heels designed for masochists. 100% of 7/11 stores will run out of beer. 99% of commencement speakers will say one or more of the following: I had to go to school uphill both ways When I went to school “cut and paste” hadn’t been invented Turn off your cell phone and smell the roses Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet Change, change, change Change the world Inspiration Entrepreneurship, technology, start up Within you Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever give up Integrity, serenity, sorority, fraternity, liberty, plasticity, creativity, identity, solemnity, curiosity and many other words ending in “ity.” 99% of the graduating students will not hear […]
May 31, 2016
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Meeting Mortification

Mastering interactions is basically about two things: expressing your ideas respectfully, and listening attentively. During my career I have been in too many meetings where people had no idea about either of them. In one corner, you usually have the rantologist who, no matter what the topic is, will always rant about his pet peeve. In the other corner, you have the sorryologist, who cannot stop apologizing for his existence. Instead of talking about substance, he spends most of the time apologizing for expressing an opinion. Then you have the repeatologist, who must repeat everything four times to feel satisfied. And then there is me, going crazy.   Order now: The Laughing Guide to Well-Being: Using Humor and Science to Become Happier and Healthier
May 23, 2016
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Millennial Chutzpah

Coping with assertive family members has been excellent training for dealing with students. The other day, and this is a true story, I received an email from a student at another university telling me that his psych professor had assigned them a paper that I had written for them to critique. The student had the chutzpah of asking me to write a few points critiquing my own bloody paper! I hadn’t heard such chutzpah since the son who killed his parents asked the judge for leniency because he was an orphan.   Order now: The Laughing Guide to Well-Being: Using Humor and Science to Become Happier and Healthier

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