GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

August 9, 2014

Sense of Community

Published in Miami Today August 6, 2014 I have a confession to make. I’m a community psychologist, but I don’t like people very much. I like the idea of people, but actual people is something else: They smell, talk too much, don’t know how to spell, and wear Nike shirts with Adidas shorts.  For me, ideal encounters with other human beings are short, funny, and focused; except with my own family of course, which are distressing, chaotic, and way too long (I love you honey!). No, seriously, I love hanging out with my immediate family because it consists of only three more people, big enough to qualify for a community, small enough to care. Bigger than that and you risk lack of focus, solemnity, and overtime. At home, our day consists of me making funny faces, singing made up songs in various languages, some of which I actually speak, and talking about irreproducible topics leading to nowhere in particular. At work, my day consists of me making serious faces, suppressing my funny accent, and talking about reproducible topics leading also to nowhere in particular. I succeed pretty well at looking thoughtful but I’m a total failure at suppressing my Argentinean-Israeli-Canadian-Australian-Nashvillean accent, […]
July 28, 2014

Messianic Times

I waited for months. I read up on it. I cleared my calendar. I talked to my friends about it. I was ready. I actually became quite religious about the whole thing. In fact, I turned into a fanatic, a true believer. I even bought a 46 inch TV for my exercise room, just to make sure I did not miss any of his appearances during my futile attempts to build muscle. Messi was about to deliver spiritual redemption during the last World Cup. For us, Argentinians, Messi was to bring salvation. We felt that we scored with Pope Francis. It was now time for Messi to score.  What could be better than the world talking about how great Argentinians are, instead of all the talk about defaulting on international obligations?                 I even thought of buying one of these ridiculously expensive Argentina shirts, which cost more than the 46 inch TV we impulsively acquired, but I resisted. Matan, our son, caved in. After the first match that Argentina won, he went to the closest Adidas store in New York City and dished out half of his teacher salary. Although Matan was born in Canada, and never lived in Argentina, […]
July 11, 2014

LeBron is gone, but it’s OK Miami, I’m still here

  Earlier in the week rumors spread about Beckham leaving Miami and going to Broward County to find a location for his soccer stadium. Today, LeBron James announced that he is going back to the Cleveland Cavaliers. I know you are all thinking that I’m next, that Miami does not measure up to the likes of Beckham, James, and Prilleltensky, the great three; but I want to reassure you that I have rejected offers to return to Argentina to head a paramilitary group to hunt down international creditors. This is an opportunity for Miami to turn inwards, to resist the limelight, to become a more down to earth place; a place of contemplation and introspection. It’s time to look at our inner beauty. I know that deep down, below several inches of silicon, augmented breasts, and Brazilian butt lifts, we all want to lead a simple life, devoid of capricious celebrities without loyalty. But it’s no time to be judgmental Miami. It’s time to be compassionate. After all, most of us came here from somewhere else. Many of us have experienced separations before, from a nasty divorce, bankruptcy, communism, death squads, or tax collectors up north. Of all people, Miamians […]
May 1, 2014

Beckhamania

Published April 30, 2014 in Miami Today www.MiamiTodayNews.com David Beckham wants to build a new soccer stadium near the Miami Port. I urge local politicians to seal the deal in a hurry. There are many reasons to do so: Local economy: This is our chance to rent a piece of land that soon will be under water. Who else but a clueless foreigner would want to rent it? I say we give him huge tax breaks until the Miami Port and surrounding areas are under water, at which point the stadium becomes a water polo venue.   Crime: This will give us an opportunity to do something that the British have known for a long time: It is easier to arrest hooligans and deport them when they are all in one place. Community building: Next to Brazilian butt lifts and LeBron James, soccer is the only thing Miamians can agree on. If you don’t believe me, just watch the Beckhamania going on around town. Whether you come from Haiti, Argentina, Colombia, or Jamaica, we are all crazy about soccer. All of us from Latin America and the Caribbean islands love the beautiful game. If we watch American football it’s only […]
April 21, 2014

Social Skills

There are two interaction skills essential for your well-being: expressing yourself and empathizing. Achieving high levels of dexterity in self-expression and empathy is not as easy as it sounds. Conveying your feelings and thoughts with accuracy in succinct form is a rare art. I know so many people who get totally lost in details before they get to the point! And guess what? The more they associate with each other, the longer they all take to get to the frigging point! I know a few people who can take 45 minutes to tell you something that most human beings can communicate via twitter. As I listen to them politely and begin to feel the equivalent of a piranha attack in my whole body I can’t help but think: ·         I wonder if I can pretend that I’m having a heart attack ·         Where is the nearest sanatorium? ·         And you wonder why you are lonely? I know that I should appreciate diversity and empathize with these long-winded people and all that, but for the love of God, can somebody please tell them to get to the frigging point? Don’t they know that the fastest route to a destination is a straight line? I […]

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