GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

April 13, 2014

Cravings

People think that without alternatives they will be able to overcome cravings. Impossible! Look at me. I replaced chocolate with delicacies such as carob coated rye crackers that taste like UPS packing cardboard. I also replaced meat with a chewy substance that resembles regurgitated fungus. Instead of coffee I drink chicory. For energy I take a B 12 pill. For fun, I eat shredded wheat. And when I go completely crazy I pour agave on tempeh and decorate it with wheat grass and sauerkraut. You see, there are alternatives. Granted it takes time and creativity, but if you go to the nearest health food store, you will meet a lot of friendly people who used to live in a sanatorium and are dying to have some human contact.
February 14, 2014

Denmark to Face Sanctions

Carnivores, who make up 98% of the world population, suddenly realized they eat animals. It was not until February 2014 when the Copenhagen Zoo killed a giraffe and fed it to the lions that carnivores made the connection between killing animals and their steak dinner. “Come to think of it, I never made the connection” said Jeff O’Brian from Tuscaloosa. “I want to thank CNN for bringing this to my attention. I’m done eating animals, from now on I’m only eating chicken” he said. In barbecue picnics around the world demonstrators protested the killing of Marius the giraffe. “Pass me the bacon,” said Theresa Kluless, as she held a placard denouncing the Danish government in Nashville. In China, students were discussing the horrible tragedy as they were sipping shark fin soup in ivory bowls in Beijing. In Japan, mothers in a park were aghast. “It is unacceptable to kill a cute giraffe and feed it to the lions,” said one in Tokyo as she offered her child a dolphin sushi. Meanwhile, the Beef Association of America published a full page ad in papers across the country denouncing the killing of Marius. “Giraffes are cute animals. They deserve protection from humans.” […]
February 13, 2014

Clichés

I hate clichés. They are a lazy person’s way to have, and end, a conversation. There are so many problems with clichés. Take for example some popular ones on health and wellness: ·         A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety (Aesop – Fables): Is the crust whole wheat? Is it gluten-free? Was the banquet vegan, lacto-ovo, kosher, halal, low-purine, high-fiber, or just your mainstream artery-clogging, cholesterol-enhancing, BMI-busting, cardiac-arresting fare? Details please. ·         Early to bed, early to rise, makes a person healthy, wealthy, and wise: This quote does not tell you anything useful, such as when exactly to go to bed, what time zone we are talking about, how do you define wealthy and how to account for inflation since Ben Franklin coined the phrase. We scientists need more specifics than generalities. ·         I believe God allows us to make U-turns in life (Mormon website): Does that rule apply across all states? I don’t think God visited Miami lately. If I tried to make some U-turns in Miami I’d get killed. ·         The man who doesn’t relax and hoot a few hoots voluntarily, now and then, is in great danger of hooting hoots standing […]
January 31, 2014

MSNBC and Obamacare to blame for Atlanta storm

Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal offered a long list of excuses for his failed response to warnings of a major approaching storm. First he blamed the National Weather Service. Then he blamed his wife for not waking him up when the storm was upgraded from catastrophic to horrendous. He finally settled on Obamacare. “Obamacare is having a much more negative impact on our country than we anticipated,” he said. Meanwhile, Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed, who was being honored as Georgian of the Year when snow started falling, kept blaming MSNBC for showing pictures of the highways, and not of Atlanta proper, which, he claimed, was up and running again after only 30 hours and tens of thousands of motorists freezing their butts for 12 hours in their cars! “If they hadn’t shown misleading pictures of people stranded in highways, instead of the city, none of this would have happened” claimed the new Georgian of the Year.  
January 24, 2014

GOP: Socialized medicine in Canada leads to moral degeneracy

The GOP organized a press conference yesterday to argue that socialized medicine leads to moral degeneracy. “The recent arrest of Canadian singer Justin Beiber and the erratic behavior of Toronto’s Mayor Rob Ford are irrefutable proof that Obamacare will lead to the erosion of the moral fiber of this country,” claimed Trey Radel, a freshman Republican congressman from Florida, who is currently on probation for possession of cocaine. Surrounded by Lindsay Lohan and former San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, they vowed to create a bipartisan initiative to block any type of Canadian socialized medicine in this country. “Our politicians and celebrities are beyond reproach in this nation” said Lohan.  

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