GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

January 15, 2014

Governor Christie: I suffer from Metabullyc Syndrome

In the State of the State speech in New Jersey, Governor Christie disclosed very personal and sensitive information that explains the whole George Washington bridge scandal. At long last, we have an honest account of the traffic jam.   “I suffer from Metabullyc Syndrome” revealed the Governor. This is a rare disease related to the well-known Metabolic Syndrome, which is the cause of obesity in many people. “This is a mutation of the Metabolic Syndrome. In addition to causing obesity, it also leads to uncontrolled episodes of bullying,” said Dr. Apollo Gia from the Institute of Republican Diseases and Pretexts. “Metabullyc disease can cause uncontrolled vengeful behavior. There is nothing the patient can do about it without proper treatment. This is not a criminal case, this is a medical case” observed Dr. Gia. The good news, Christie said, is that it can be treated. “I’m already taking a heavy dosage of Bullytrophia. Doctors said that I should be in great shape by 2016.”
January 8, 2014

Test Your Wellness IQ

Myth: If you go to some hospitals in California, you will pay $ 24 for a Tylenol with codeine pill that has a market price of $ 0.50. Fact: You will not pay $ 24. You will pay instead $ 37 for a single Tylenol pill!  Myth: A stitch in time saves nine. Fact: I don’t know what stitches you are talking about, but in most hospitals around the country, nine stitches will cost you about $ 4500. Unlike most things I write about, these facts are true. I know they are true because they were reported by the New York Times on December 3rd, 2013. Granted, that newspaper does have a liberal bias, but even if they exaggerated a bit, you still end up with a pretty big number. Let’s say the New York Times reports that a Tylenol pill costs $ 37, and Fox News says it costs $ 23, you still end up with an average of $ 30, which is enough to build a small hospital in Burundi.   Let’s face it. If you don’t want to become a victim of overpriced pills or medical procedures, you must invest in wellness. But before we jump into […]
November 30, 2013

The Evolution of “Thank You”

My latest column from the Miami Herald   As we were leaving, I held the door open for the couple coming into the restaurant. I could tell they were pretentious because of their clothing, perfume, watches, shoes, glasses, hairdo, height, accent, and eyelashes. Neither said thank you though, which wouldn’t have surprised me had they been from Miami, but they looked from the North East. Don’t ask me how, but I just knew it. They had an arrogant flair that comes only from certain parts of New England. Their rudeness was distinct from Miami rude, which is less haughty and more egotistical. Whereas Northerners actively ignore you, Miamians actively attend only to themselves. Whereas the former signal “you are beneath me,” the latter signal “you are beneath my augmented breasts. I can’t see you. Get out of there!” According to evolutionary theory people are nice to you only if they think they will ever need you, which explains why a lot of people in Miami are only nice to plastic surgeons and judges. If you fall in neither category you can forget about civility, which is why I’m considering going to law and medical school, which would be easier than […]
November 12, 2013

How to Fix Education

With all the talk about the United States falling behind in international rankings of education, I decided to do some research of my own. I consulted with one of my key informants, Professor Newt Rall, from the University of Objek Teef. Excerpts from our dialogue: Isaac: Why is the United States falling behind in reading, science and math? Newt Rall: The United States has a much higher rate of poverty and inequality than other OECD countries. Poverty accounts for a great deal of educational failure in this country. Children from affluent communities or private schools in the US do very well in international rankings. Isaac: Then why don’t we report just the results for rich children? Newt Rall: That would be unethical. Isaac: Ok then, so why is there so much poverty in the United States? Newt Rall: Without poor children there wouldn’t be employment opportunities for all the people telling the poor how to get out of poverty. Isaac: I hear that when community schools fail to make progress the government shuts them down. When investment banks fail and send millions of people bankrupt, the government bails them out. Why is that? Newt Rall: The government is afraid that […]
October 10, 2013

Complete Shutdown Only Way to Fix Obamacare

Every human being on the planet knows that the best way to solve computer problems is to shut the whole thing down. Not just one program, but the entire system: COMPLETE SHUTDOWN. You turn it off, and then you turn it on, and the problem is fixed. If Obama would only listen to the GOP, all the problems accessing health exchanges online would be solved in a minute. The simplest way to get my computer unstuck is to shut it down. This is what my tech people tell me all the time, and guess what, it works! Isn’t this what you do when your computer gets stuck? It turns out that Republicans unconsciously want Obamacare, and this is why they are pressing the Obama administration to shut down the entire government. If Obama did a complete shutdown, not a partial one, the online access to the health exchanges would be fixed right away.

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