GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

July 11, 2014

LeBron is gone, but it’s OK Miami, I’m still here

  Earlier in the week rumors spread about Beckham leaving Miami and going to Broward County to find a location for his soccer stadium. Today, LeBron James announced that he is going back to the Cleveland Cavaliers. I know you are all thinking that I’m next, that Miami does not measure up to the likes of Beckham, James, and Prilleltensky, the great three; but I want to reassure you that I have rejected offers to return to Argentina to head a paramilitary group to hunt down international creditors. This is an opportunity for Miami to turn inwards, to resist the limelight, to become a more down to earth place; a place of contemplation and introspection. It’s time to look at our inner beauty. I know that deep down, below several inches of silicon, augmented breasts, and Brazilian butt lifts, we all want to lead a simple life, devoid of capricious celebrities without loyalty. But it’s no time to be judgmental Miami. It’s time to be compassionate. After all, most of us came here from somewhere else. Many of us have experienced separations before, from a nasty divorce, bankruptcy, communism, death squads, or tax collectors up north. Of all people, Miamians […]
May 1, 2014

Beckhamania

Published April 30, 2014 in Miami Today www.MiamiTodayNews.com David Beckham wants to build a new soccer stadium near the Miami Port. I urge local politicians to seal the deal in a hurry. There are many reasons to do so: Local economy: This is our chance to rent a piece of land that soon will be under water. Who else but a clueless foreigner would want to rent it? I say we give him huge tax breaks until the Miami Port and surrounding areas are under water, at which point the stadium becomes a water polo venue.   Crime: This will give us an opportunity to do something that the British have known for a long time: It is easier to arrest hooligans and deport them when they are all in one place. Community building: Next to Brazilian butt lifts and LeBron James, soccer is the only thing Miamians can agree on. If you don’t believe me, just watch the Beckhamania going on around town. Whether you come from Haiti, Argentina, Colombia, or Jamaica, we are all crazy about soccer. All of us from Latin America and the Caribbean islands love the beautiful game. If we watch American football it’s only […]
April 21, 2014

Social Skills

There are two interaction skills essential for your well-being: expressing yourself and empathizing. Achieving high levels of dexterity in self-expression and empathy is not as easy as it sounds. Conveying your feelings and thoughts with accuracy in succinct form is a rare art. I know so many people who get totally lost in details before they get to the point! And guess what? The more they associate with each other, the longer they all take to get to the frigging point! I know a few people who can take 45 minutes to tell you something that most human beings can communicate via twitter. As I listen to them politely and begin to feel the equivalent of a piranha attack in my whole body I can’t help but think: ·         I wonder if I can pretend that I’m having a heart attack ·         Where is the nearest sanatorium? ·         And you wonder why you are lonely? I know that I should appreciate diversity and empathize with these long-winded people and all that, but for the love of God, can somebody please tell them to get to the frigging point? Don’t they know that the fastest route to a destination is a straight line? I […]
April 13, 2014

Cravings

People think that without alternatives they will be able to overcome cravings. Impossible! Look at me. I replaced chocolate with delicacies such as carob coated rye crackers that taste like UPS packing cardboard. I also replaced meat with a chewy substance that resembles regurgitated fungus. Instead of coffee I drink chicory. For energy I take a B 12 pill. For fun, I eat shredded wheat. And when I go completely crazy I pour agave on tempeh and decorate it with wheat grass and sauerkraut. You see, there are alternatives. Granted it takes time and creativity, but if you go to the nearest health food store, you will meet a lot of friendly people who used to live in a sanatorium and are dying to have some human contact.
February 14, 2014

Denmark to Face Sanctions

Carnivores, who make up 98% of the world population, suddenly realized they eat animals. It was not until February 2014 when the Copenhagen Zoo killed a giraffe and fed it to the lions that carnivores made the connection between killing animals and their steak dinner. “Come to think of it, I never made the connection” said Jeff O’Brian from Tuscaloosa. “I want to thank CNN for bringing this to my attention. I’m done eating animals, from now on I’m only eating chicken” he said. In barbecue picnics around the world demonstrators protested the killing of Marius the giraffe. “Pass me the bacon,” said Theresa Kluless, as she held a placard denouncing the Danish government in Nashville. In China, students were discussing the horrible tragedy as they were sipping shark fin soup in ivory bowls in Beijing. In Japan, mothers in a park were aghast. “It is unacceptable to kill a cute giraffe and feed it to the lions,” said one in Tokyo as she offered her child a dolphin sushi. Meanwhile, the Beef Association of America published a full page ad in papers across the country denouncing the killing of Marius. “Giraffes are cute animals. They deserve protection from humans.” […]

Subscribe to Going Wellnuts: The Humor Blog for Well-Being

Learn about the Truth on Wellness and Fairness.