GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

October 10, 2013

Preventing Syria from becoming the new AfghanIraq

I have been so busy diagnosing the Republican lunacy and trying to access the healthcare exchanges that I forgot to take credit for my role in preventing Syria from becoming the new AfghanIraq. As you may recall, prior to the government shutdown, a million Republican temper tantrums ago, we were about to bomb Syria. Obama was very hesitant. He vacillated between diplomacy and military action. To help the President, I sent him an email with an offer he could not refuse. He has written me several times asking for money, so I figured he has me on his Blackberry. I suggested creating a simple decision matrix with pros, cons, short term, and long term. This simple “two by two” chart could help him decide whether to bomb Syria or work for the elimination of chemical weapons. His answers revealed a close call. See for yourself: Option 1: Bombing Syria to send a strong message that chemical weapons are not nice Pros long term: More jobs for our weapons industry to replace missiles used in Syria. Economy improves.   Cons long term: Syria becomes the new AfghanIraq. Michelle said that if I bomb Syria she will stop baking chocolate chip cookies for […]
October 8, 2013

Boehnerictus fighting Cruzade against Obamacare

Historians around the country are trying to find precedents to the Cruzade that Boehnerictus is fighting against his own country. According to Professor Newt Rall from Princeton University, all the previous crusades were against other peoples and other countries. This Cruzade, claimed Newt Rall, “is unlike anything we’ve seen in the last thousand years.”   But historians are not the only ones scratching their heads. Psychologists and psychiatrists met today to explore the collective memory loss experienced by Boehnerictus and his Cruzaders. Moderate members of the GOP convened a panel on the inability of their colleagues to remember that they lost the election in which Obamacare was fought. Worried that their colleagues might have also forgotten that slavery was abolished, the moderate Republicans invited behavioral scientists to help them in their quest to cure the Cruzaders and their Cantors. Moderate Republicans are concerned that the people will accuse them of being passive bystanders while their fanatic colleagues destroy the country. Some of the judicious GOP members were seen consulting with psychologists after the panel. Parenting experts are also trying to help moderate Republicans. Dr. Nev Ermind, appearing in The Today Show, claimed that the Cruzade is typical of two year […]
October 3, 2013

Boehner and Cantor offered asylum in North Korea

Republican leaders are heroes in North Korea, Iran, and Russia. Cantor and Boehner are actively negotiating how to end the hostage situation and where to flee for refuge. “Having shut down government, deprived sick children of needed clinical trials, wreaked havoc in the country, and forced government employees to go without pay, our work is done” declared John Boehner in a conference call with Tea party loyalists. Boehner was moved to tears when he got calls from the North Korean government offering him and Cantor permanent asylum. The pair is now negotiating with President Obama how to end the hostage situation. Sources close to the negotiation revealed the following demands by Cantor and Boehner: 1.       Guaranteed US health care for them and their families in North Korea 2.       Change the name of our electoral system from democracy to repocracy 3.       Add carvings of Cantor and Boehner to Mount Rushmore to secure their place in history alongside George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln 4.       End food stamps program to eliminate obesity among the poor 5.       President Obama to secure them a movie deal among his many Hollywood friends 6.       History books to omit the part about children with […]
September 26, 2013

Benefits of Government Shutdown

A new poll released today shows that the vast majority of people favor a government shutdown. The scientific poll broke down the answers by groups: Democrats in the Senate: 1.       We will not have to hear Republican Senator Ted Cruz talking about shutting down the government. Republicans in the Senate: 2.       We will not have to contort ourselves trying to justify Senator Cruz’s 21 hour rant. Chamber of Commerce: 3.       Government employees will have time to do their Christmas shopping early. Bashar al-Assad: 4.       The Syrian government will look good. President Obama: 5.       Time to play basketball. Vladimir Putin: 6.       LOL Health care industry in South Florida: 7.       Three more days of undetected Medicare fraud. Snooki: 8.   Say what?  
September 22, 2013

The Poor to Inform GOP on Benefits of Going Uninsured

While the President is seeking to enroll as many uninsured people as possible in the new exchanges, the GOP is hard at work telling people not to. John Boehner is so convinced that government health insurance is such a bad thing that he has enlisted a group of poor and indigent folk to advice him. Republican operatives have been recruiting sick and injured people without health insurance from emergency rooms around the country. In focus groups facilitated by the “Re-lie-ability Group” participants talked about the many interesting people they met while waiting for hours to be told to go to the emergency room in another hospital six hours away. Participants told stories of sleeping on the floor, being in pain, yelled at, and feeling ignored for hours. In its final report to the GOP “Re-lie-ability” noted that such experiences build character and resilience, themes that the GOP will use in its campaign against Obamacare. “What doesn’t kill you make you stronger” will be a key message of the strategy.   A second group to offer guidance to the GOP consists of people without health insurance who go bankrupt because of medical bills. Members of this group claim that bankruptcy is […]

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