GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

November 30, 2013

The Evolution of “Thank You”

My latest column from the Miami Herald   As we were leaving, I held the door open for the couple coming into the restaurant. I could tell they were pretentious because of their clothing, perfume, watches, shoes, glasses, hairdo, height, accent, and eyelashes. Neither said thank you though, which wouldn’t have surprised me had they been from Miami, but they looked from the North East. Don’t ask me how, but I just knew it. They had an arrogant flair that comes only from certain parts of New England. Their rudeness was distinct from Miami rude, which is less haughty and more egotistical. Whereas Northerners actively ignore you, Miamians actively attend only to themselves. Whereas the former signal “you are beneath me,” the latter signal “you are beneath my augmented breasts. I can’t see you. Get out of there!” According to evolutionary theory people are nice to you only if they think they will ever need you, which explains why a lot of people in Miami are only nice to plastic surgeons and judges. If you fall in neither category you can forget about civility, which is why I’m considering going to law and medical school, which would be easier than […]
November 12, 2013

How to Fix Education

With all the talk about the United States falling behind in international rankings of education, I decided to do some research of my own. I consulted with one of my key informants, Professor Newt Rall, from the University of Objek Teef. Excerpts from our dialogue: Isaac: Why is the United States falling behind in reading, science and math? Newt Rall: The United States has a much higher rate of poverty and inequality than other OECD countries. Poverty accounts for a great deal of educational failure in this country. Children from affluent communities or private schools in the US do very well in international rankings. Isaac: Then why don’t we report just the results for rich children? Newt Rall: That would be unethical. Isaac: Ok then, so why is there so much poverty in the United States? Newt Rall: Without poor children there wouldn’t be employment opportunities for all the people telling the poor how to get out of poverty. Isaac: I hear that when community schools fail to make progress the government shuts them down. When investment banks fail and send millions of people bankrupt, the government bails them out. Why is that? Newt Rall: The government is afraid that […]
October 10, 2013

Complete Shutdown Only Way to Fix Obamacare

Every human being on the planet knows that the best way to solve computer problems is to shut the whole thing down. Not just one program, but the entire system: COMPLETE SHUTDOWN. You turn it off, and then you turn it on, and the problem is fixed. If Obama would only listen to the GOP, all the problems accessing health exchanges online would be solved in a minute. The simplest way to get my computer unstuck is to shut it down. This is what my tech people tell me all the time, and guess what, it works! Isn’t this what you do when your computer gets stuck? It turns out that Republicans unconsciously want Obamacare, and this is why they are pressing the Obama administration to shut down the entire government. If Obama did a complete shutdown, not a partial one, the online access to the health exchanges would be fixed right away.
October 10, 2013

Preventing Syria from becoming the new AfghanIraq

I have been so busy diagnosing the Republican lunacy and trying to access the healthcare exchanges that I forgot to take credit for my role in preventing Syria from becoming the new AfghanIraq. As you may recall, prior to the government shutdown, a million Republican temper tantrums ago, we were about to bomb Syria. Obama was very hesitant. He vacillated between diplomacy and military action. To help the President, I sent him an email with an offer he could not refuse. He has written me several times asking for money, so I figured he has me on his Blackberry. I suggested creating a simple decision matrix with pros, cons, short term, and long term. This simple “two by two” chart could help him decide whether to bomb Syria or work for the elimination of chemical weapons. His answers revealed a close call. See for yourself: Option 1: Bombing Syria to send a strong message that chemical weapons are not nice Pros long term: More jobs for our weapons industry to replace missiles used in Syria. Economy improves.   Cons long term: Syria becomes the new AfghanIraq. Michelle said that if I bomb Syria she will stop baking chocolate chip cookies for […]
October 8, 2013

Boehnerictus fighting Cruzade against Obamacare

Historians around the country are trying to find precedents to the Cruzade that Boehnerictus is fighting against his own country. According to Professor Newt Rall from Princeton University, all the previous crusades were against other peoples and other countries. This Cruzade, claimed Newt Rall, “is unlike anything we’ve seen in the last thousand years.”   But historians are not the only ones scratching their heads. Psychologists and psychiatrists met today to explore the collective memory loss experienced by Boehnerictus and his Cruzaders. Moderate members of the GOP convened a panel on the inability of their colleagues to remember that they lost the election in which Obamacare was fought. Worried that their colleagues might have also forgotten that slavery was abolished, the moderate Republicans invited behavioral scientists to help them in their quest to cure the Cruzaders and their Cantors. Moderate Republicans are concerned that the people will accuse them of being passive bystanders while their fanatic colleagues destroy the country. Some of the judicious GOP members were seen consulting with psychologists after the panel. Parenting experts are also trying to help moderate Republicans. Dr. Nev Ermind, appearing in The Today Show, claimed that the Cruzade is typical of two year […]

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