GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

September 15, 2013

Mr. President, information is no reason to change your mind

Barack Obama does not seem to get the American value of determination. Pundits and journalists have been hard at work trying to tell the President and his press secretary, Jay Carney, that new information is no reason to change the President’s mind on Syria. Who cares if there is now a way to avert armed intervention? If the President said that he was going to bomb Syria, he should stick to it, no matter what. Jay Carney showed the administration’s lack of determination when he said that the President is considering new information that may avert a strike. Presidents should never change their minds. That sends the world the wrong message. That seemed to be the prevailing discourse among journalists and analysts last week. “Barack Obama should learn from Presidents like Putin, who no matter what, sticks to his guns. Information is irrelevant to Putin’s decisions” argued Mr. Dogma Teak in “Meet the Mindless.” “Obama is too hesitant,” claimed a spokesperson from the “Gotcha Institute.”
September 2, 2013

Rights of Vomiting Passengers Violated

Today The Miami Herald reported that a taxi company in Key West is planning to charge passengers who puke in the back seat of their cars $50. This is a flagrant violation of passengers who choose to get intoxicated. “Drinking is an act of freedom, and businesses have a duty to uphold this American value” said the Association for the Protection of Vomiting While Intoxicated. Besides, and this is a true statement, cabbie Jose Nascimento from Miami Dade claimed that “a fee targeting vomiters could prevent people from coming to Miami-Dade.”
September 2, 2013

Rights of Rodents Violated

According to the Miami Herald, an inmate claims that a rodent bit his genitals, prompting the Society for the Protection of the Rights of Rodents (SPRR) to renew its campaign to protect rats. In a written statement SPRR claimed that “it is a disgrace that rodents have nothing to eat and have to resort to biting genitals. Rats deserve better. They are defenseless little creatures.” County jail officials agree and promise to offer rats other body parts. Official with the county jail stated that “We know we should do better for our residents. We promise to work cooperatively with SPRR.”  As for humans, officials are asking inmates to bring with them a week’s supply of rodent food.
August 24, 2013

Resist this….

Reproduced from my original column in the Miami Herald People undermine the impact of the environment on our life. This is how the environment around us influences our behavior: Scene 1 Trigger Situation: You need chewing gum. You drive to the nearest pharmacy at the mall. Self-talk: I’ll just buy chewing gum. I don’t need anything else. Behavior: You spend 7 hours at the mall and spend $ 1,287 on stuff you don’t need. You forget chewing gum. Consequence: You go bankrupt with bad breadth. Scene 2 Trigger Situation: You drive North on the Palmetto Highway every day to go to work. You pass through Dr. Buttsky’s Plastic Surgery Clinic. Buttsky displays on an electronic board some of the butts he has sculpted over the years. Self-talk: Gosh, who needs that? I wonder what my butt would look like on his electronic board? Behavior: You decide to have a Brazilian Butt Lift at Dr. Buttsky’s clinic. Consequence: You become so sexy you decide you don’t need to live with the slob you have for a husband anymore. You leave your husband and your children and everybody talks about what a horrible mother you are.  Scene 3 Trigger Situation: You are […]
July 25, 2013

Once a Jewish Mother………

Our son got married last week. Ora, my wife, spent 9876 hours on the honeymoon itinerary. She spent 47 months planning and making sure our little baby and his lovely wife would have a great time. In fact, she started planning when Matan was 4. They left for Greece last Sunday. What does a Jewish mother do when only son gets married? True story: Ora emailed the taxi driver in Greece to make sure the “kids” were picked up from the airport in Athens. George, the affable taxi driver with whom Ora exchanged 89 emails replied “kids safely deposited in hotel.”

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