GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

March 5, 2018

Wanted: Four Overvalued Miamians

You’ve heard about the stock market being inflated. You’ve seen the news about the real estate market being overvalued. These should no doubt concern you. But I’m here to tell you that these worries are nothing compared to a new menace affecting our city: Self-Overvaluation. I know this comes as a complete shock to you, but am here to tell you that I’ve seen this behavior in four people already, and am writing now to request help in curbing the epidemic. Apparently, the four were infected while visiting El-Mio-Es-Mas-Largo, an exclusive resort in Palm Beach. Since I have a background in psychology, and I’m a long time resident of Miami — I can still remember when Beckham first floated the idea of a soccer team — allow me to explain this vulnerability in our population. Babies need responsive parents to feel secure in the world. When parents are too busy — shopping at the ridiculously expensive Brickell City Centre, going to Botox parties, attending press conferences by David Beckham, boycotting David Beckham, or stuck in traffic — nannies or grandparents should nurture the baby. When something goes wrong and the baby’s needs for secure attachment are thwarted, some people respond […]
February 27, 2018

Mar-A-Lago to Change its Name to El-Mio-Es-Mas-Largo

  To lend support to his claim that he would have acted heroically in Parkland, Donald Trump is changing the name of Mar-A-Lago to El-Mio-Es-Mas-Largo (Spanish: Mine is Longer). Isaac Prilleltensky is an academic and humor writer. His most recent book is The Laughing Guide to Well-Being: Using Humor and Science to Become Happier and Healthier. Follow his humor blog at www.thelaughingguide.com. You can reach him at prilleltensky@gmail.com    
February 18, 2018

Pro-Life, Pro-Guns, Pro-Insanity: Voters Confused

Published in Miami Today on February 22, 2018. Crisis management firms are giddy with joy. In anticipation of the most explosive revelation in American politics in a century, these companies are hiring more and more graduates every day. They worry, however, that they will not have enough personnel to answer the call from politicians. In fact, they are hoping to hire some Russian consultants. They don’t want to miss the opportunity to cash in on a big fiasco. The secret to be disclosed early next week is that most politicians who are pro-life are also for easing access to guns, and for guaranteeing that you can carry a concealed weapon anywhere in the country. In fact, most of them already voted to ease access to automatic weapons. In Florida, if you are eighteen you cannot buy a beer but you can buy an automatic rifle. The stunning revelation comes amid reports that most of the pro-life candidates in the upcoming mid-term election also receive generous support from a lobbying group that shall remain nameless due to fear of reprisals and lawsuits. We were hoping voters wouldn’t pay attention, said Manny Pulation, head of communications for the group. Speaking on condition […]
February 4, 2018

Release of FBI Memo last hurdle to join Banana Republics

  Joining the League of Banana Republics (LBR) is a complicated and arduous process. The list of requirements is long and challenging. Very few leaders manage to fulfill all the expectations in one year, but Trump has just managed such feat. With the release of the FBI memo on February 2, 2018, he completed all the requirements to secure membership of the United States of America in the exclusive club. The release of the FBI memo was the last hurdle imposed by the prestigious LBR. On Friday, Trump declared: “I’m making America great again by joining a group of elite countries. This is clear evidence that we are winning.” The application process required from President Trump to prove that he can: Accuse the media of witch hunts against him and his administration Obtain the lowest approval rating of any President in the first year in office Derive personal financial gain from his official position Mock women, reporters, foreigners, and people with disabilities Pay porn stars to keep quiet about affairs Fire officials who exhibit integrity Bring the world to the brink of nuclear war Make a Cable News organization the unofficial propaganda arm of the government Disregard the rule of […]
July 24, 2017

Gluteus Maximus

Published in Miami Today August 20, 2014 It’s hard to be me. My exercise and eating habits are a constant source of aggravation. I go to the gym every day and I eat well, but instead of feeling good about myself I feel miserable. Every day my sexy 122 lbs. of muscle go through the humiliation of being the skinniest athlete in the Northern Hemisphere. Yes, I’m healthy, but I have yet to encounter a woman in the gym who would ask me about my biceps, serratus magnus or pectoralis major, let alone my gluteus maximus. I keep telling myself that I’m beautiful and strong on the inside, but women at the gym prefer a big gluteus maximus.   Not only do I worry about myself in the gym, I worry about athletes without diapers. I see lots of guys lifting weights and making faces like they are about to soil their pants. Have you ever seen the faces of babies pooping? That’s exactly how these guys look as they lift the equivalent of a small Toyota. I fear that as they lift some things others will drop, and God knows I don’t want to be there when that happens. At […]

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