GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

September 2, 2013

Rights of Rodents Violated

According to the Miami Herald, an inmate claims that a rodent bit his genitals, prompting the Society for the Protection of the Rights of Rodents (SPRR) to renew its campaign to protect rats. In a written statement SPRR claimed that “it is a disgrace that rodents have nothing to eat and have to resort to biting genitals. Rats deserve better. They are defenseless little creatures.” County jail officials agree and promise to offer rats other body parts. Official with the county jail stated that “We know we should do better for our residents. We promise to work cooperatively with SPRR.”  As for humans, officials are asking inmates to bring with them a week’s supply of rodent food.
August 24, 2013

Resist this….

Reproduced from my original column in the Miami Herald People undermine the impact of the environment on our life. This is how the environment around us influences our behavior: Scene 1 Trigger Situation: You need chewing gum. You drive to the nearest pharmacy at the mall. Self-talk: I’ll just buy chewing gum. I don’t need anything else. Behavior: You spend 7 hours at the mall and spend $ 1,287 on stuff you don’t need. You forget chewing gum. Consequence: You go bankrupt with bad breadth. Scene 2 Trigger Situation: You drive North on the Palmetto Highway every day to go to work. You pass through Dr. Buttsky’s Plastic Surgery Clinic. Buttsky displays on an electronic board some of the butts he has sculpted over the years. Self-talk: Gosh, who needs that? I wonder what my butt would look like on his electronic board? Behavior: You decide to have a Brazilian Butt Lift at Dr. Buttsky’s clinic. Consequence: You become so sexy you decide you don’t need to live with the slob you have for a husband anymore. You leave your husband and your children and everybody talks about what a horrible mother you are.  Scene 3 Trigger Situation: You are […]
July 25, 2013

Once a Jewish Mother………

Our son got married last week. Ora, my wife, spent 9876 hours on the honeymoon itinerary. She spent 47 months planning and making sure our little baby and his lovely wife would have a great time. In fact, she started planning when Matan was 4. They left for Greece last Sunday. What does a Jewish mother do when only son gets married? True story: Ora emailed the taxi driver in Greece to make sure the “kids” were picked up from the airport in Athens. George, the affable taxi driver with whom Ora exchanged 89 emails replied “kids safely deposited in hotel.”
July 24, 2013

Anthony Weiner to Sue Mobile Phone Company

Mr. Weiner was defiant yesterday during a press conference about his continued sexting. He claimed that he was going to sue the mobile phone company responsible for his sexting. He asserted that “before this technology was available, I never used to sext”. He argued that “it is time these companies took responsibility for putting in the hands of people weapons of self-destruction.” In their defense, makers of the “promisQ-E-T” phone told the media that Mr. Weiner should have activated the “savemyass” app that comes with the phone. The app, specifically designed for politicians, shuts off the phone every time the user is about to take a picture of flesh. In a related development, Eliot Spitzer is about to sue credit card companies. Mr. Spitzer claimed that before there were credit cards, he never used to leave tracks of encounters with women in hotels. Meanwhile, Silvio Berlusconi is suing Morocco for sending beautiful women to Italy, and Dominique Strauss-Kahn is filing papers to bring to court the entire female population of the world.
July 17, 2013

NCTQ to tackle Syria and Obesity Next

Educational policy affects the well-being of students, teachers, parents, and especially Deans of Schools of Education.  A recent report has far reaching implications for the well-being of the nation, and beyond. The National Council on Teacher Quality (NCTQ), an organization much loved by Deans of Education around the country, is poised to tackle Syria and obesity. After fixing education in this country through their report on teacher preparation programs, NCTQ is ready to tackle other global problems. The report, universally acclaimed for its high scientific and ethical standards, has drawn great praise from the former superintendent of Atlanta Public Schools, The Plumbers Association, and Bernie Madoff. The report raises the bar on scientific approaches to social problems; so much so that President Obama is going to replace the Chief Scientist at the National Academies of Science with an NCTQ intern. Meanwhile, Kate Walsh, president of NCTQ, is rumored to head the Expedited Ethics Board, a new federal agency designed to protect the rights of lobbyists in Washington. When asked about her data collection methods, Walsh replied that they used drones to gather data from Colleges of Education that refused to cooperate. She went on to describe how telescopic technology was […]

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