GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

July 3, 2017

Prenatal Chutzpah

My first memorable act of Chutzpah was competing against 300 million sperm to fertilize an egg, and winning. I’m not making this up. It’s a fact. I looked it up on YouTube. Before I watched the cute animation I used to think that I competed with like, 20 sperm, but 300 million, that’s Chutzpah! I only wish I had been a sperm with smaller ears and a manly voice, but what can you do. I’m sure I got a girly voice because of all the screaming that went on in the fallopian tube while other sperm were pulling at my ears to stop me. Come to think of it, my voice and ears are not sources of shame; they are war wounds.
June 12, 2017

Parental Fitness

If you are thinking of having children, take this test first. If you already have children, the test will tell you whether you need to: (1) issue a recall, (2) check your mental health, or (3) replace Mother Theresa.    1. Would you enjoy observing your child throw a temper tantrum in the middle of a supermarket? a.       Yes, I’m a masochist b.      Yes, provided my child has a good reason for it c.       No, I rather have a colonoscopy in the woods 2. Do you enjoy feeling guilty? a.       Of course, I’m Jewish  b.      Yes, I’m Catholic. It’s a cultural tradition c.       No way 3. Do you enjoy eating leftover spaghetti with snot sauce? a.       Yes, my mother never let me eat my snot b.      Yes, provided it’s from my baby’s plate c.       No, I’m allergic to gluten 4. Would you enjoy worrying about your baby? a.       Yes b.      Absolutely, my life is too boring c.       What’s there to worry about? 5. Do you enjoy spending weeks without sleep? a.       Yes, provided I can watch Lingerie Football reruns b.      Yes, I’d do anything to be near my baby at night when she screams c.       No, I operate a nuclear […]
May 22, 2017
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Patriotism: Moldovan Style

Last year Moldova won the distinction of having the highest rate of alcohol consumption in the world by a huge margin, which makes it a favorite destination for college students. A few years earlier, it ranked last in the world in terms of life satisfaction, which makes it a preferred destination for suicidal people. It is also the poorest country in Europe, attracting many destitute people who want to feel in good company. In 2008, Eric Weiner documented in The Geography of Bliss the utter desperation most people experience there, which makes it a Mecca for existential writers. Finally, a couple of years ago Transparency International wrote a scathing report about the level of corruption in Moldova, which makes it an excellent training ground for Miami politicians. For the past 54 years I have managed to hide the fact that my ancestors were from Moldova. When people detect an accent I tell them that I was born in Argentina and lived in several places, like Nashville, which have influenced the inflection of my voice. My parents were already born in Argentina; so technically I’m not lying by hiding my Moldovan roots. I managed to keep my Moldovan secret for years […]
May 1, 2017

Purging

The reason I move continents every few years is to get rid of junk in our house. It’s the only way I can manage to dispose of shoes, unfashionable clothes, linen, work documents, pot and pans, and matzo meal for Passover. If we just make a domestic move, my adorable wife Ora wouldn’t let me get rid of anything; but a transcontinental move, that’s another story. Still under these circumstances I have to make sure that I have at least one day of packing when Ora is out of the house. That is my opportunity to throw away things Ora would never let me touch, such as matzo meal. My approach to clutter extermination is to open a big garbage bag and empty most drawers into it for quick disposal. This is the reckless approach. Ora’s melancholic approach is to examine old pictures, our son’s report card from grade 2, mother’s day cards, and immigration applications going back four countries. She peruses everything very slowly and methodically, only to proclaim after hours of careful review that she will make up her mind tomorrow! This attitude is especially problematic in our house, where we have a number of drawers where a […]
April 10, 2017
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Travel Optimization

I recently flew from Manchester, England, to Philadelphia. As it was the port of entry into the US, all passengers had to go through customs. There were two lines, one for visitors and another one for US citizens and green card holders. The lines went from Philadelphia to Kansas City and back. It took me 78 minutes to get to the customs officer. There were 60 border patrol booths, 56 of which were totally empty, leaving just 4 officers to contend with tons of smelly, cranky, unkempt, constipated passengers. Thousands of people had to wait for over an hour while the entire process could have been done, seamlessly, ON THE PLANE, while passengers usually waste time, snore, fart, and make a total mess of the aircraft. The flight from Manchester took approximately 7 hours. If we would have had 2 customs officers checking passports of 200 passengers at a rate of 2 minutes per passenger, in little over 3 hours we would have been done, giving customs officials enough time to enjoy re-runs of Parks and Recreation, not to mention the free pretzels and the opportunity to know some of the countries from which they incarcerate illegal aliens. If you […]

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