GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

February 18, 2018

Pro-Life, Pro-Guns, Pro-Insanity: Voters Confused

Published in Miami Today on February 22, 2018. Crisis management firms are giddy with joy. In anticipation of the most explosive revelation in American politics in a century, these companies are hiring more and more graduates every day. They worry, however, that they will not have enough personnel to answer the call from politicians. In fact, they are hoping to hire some Russian consultants. They don’t want to miss the opportunity to cash in on a big fiasco. The secret to be disclosed early next week is that most politicians who are pro-life are also for easing access to guns, and for guaranteeing that you can carry a concealed weapon anywhere in the country. In fact, most of them already voted to ease access to automatic weapons. In Florida, if you are eighteen you cannot buy a beer but you can buy an automatic rifle. The stunning revelation comes amid reports that most of the pro-life candidates in the upcoming mid-term election also receive generous support from a lobbying group that shall remain nameless due to fear of reprisals and lawsuits. We were hoping voters wouldn’t pay attention, said Manny Pulation, head of communications for the group. Speaking on condition […]
February 4, 2018

Release of FBI Memo last hurdle to join Banana Republics

  Joining the League of Banana Republics (LBR) is a complicated and arduous process. The list of requirements is long and challenging. Very few leaders manage to fulfill all the expectations in one year, but Trump has just managed such feat. With the release of the FBI memo on February 2, 2018, he completed all the requirements to secure membership of the United States of America in the exclusive club. The release of the FBI memo was the last hurdle imposed by the prestigious LBR. On Friday, Trump declared: “I’m making America great again by joining a group of elite countries. This is clear evidence that we are winning.” The application process required from President Trump to prove that he can: Accuse the media of witch hunts against him and his administration Obtain the lowest approval rating of any President in the first year in office Derive personal financial gain from his official position Mock women, reporters, foreigners, and people with disabilities Pay porn stars to keep quiet about affairs Fire officials who exhibit integrity Bring the world to the brink of nuclear war Make a Cable News organization the unofficial propaganda arm of the government Disregard the rule of […]
July 24, 2017

Gluteus Maximus

Published in Miami Today August 20, 2014 It’s hard to be me. My exercise and eating habits are a constant source of aggravation. I go to the gym every day and I eat well, but instead of feeling good about myself I feel miserable. Every day my sexy 122 lbs. of muscle go through the humiliation of being the skinniest athlete in the Northern Hemisphere. Yes, I’m healthy, but I have yet to encounter a woman in the gym who would ask me about my biceps, serratus magnus or pectoralis major, let alone my gluteus maximus. I keep telling myself that I’m beautiful and strong on the inside, but women at the gym prefer a big gluteus maximus.   Not only do I worry about myself in the gym, I worry about athletes without diapers. I see lots of guys lifting weights and making faces like they are about to soil their pants. Have you ever seen the faces of babies pooping? That’s exactly how these guys look as they lift the equivalent of a small Toyota. I fear that as they lift some things others will drop, and God knows I don’t want to be there when that happens. At […]
July 3, 2017

Prenatal Chutzpah

My first memorable act of Chutzpah was competing against 300 million sperm to fertilize an egg, and winning. I’m not making this up. It’s a fact. I looked it up on YouTube. Before I watched the cute animation I used to think that I competed with like, 20 sperm, but 300 million, that’s Chutzpah! I only wish I had been a sperm with smaller ears and a manly voice, but what can you do. I’m sure I got a girly voice because of all the screaming that went on in the fallopian tube while other sperm were pulling at my ears to stop me. Come to think of it, my voice and ears are not sources of shame; they are war wounds.
June 12, 2017

Parental Fitness

If you are thinking of having children, take this test first. If you already have children, the test will tell you whether you need to: (1) issue a recall, (2) check your mental health, or (3) replace Mother Theresa.    1. Would you enjoy observing your child throw a temper tantrum in the middle of a supermarket? a.       Yes, I’m a masochist b.      Yes, provided my child has a good reason for it c.       No, I rather have a colonoscopy in the woods 2. Do you enjoy feeling guilty? a.       Of course, I’m Jewish  b.      Yes, I’m Catholic. It’s a cultural tradition c.       No way 3. Do you enjoy eating leftover spaghetti with snot sauce? a.       Yes, my mother never let me eat my snot b.      Yes, provided it’s from my baby’s plate c.       No, I’m allergic to gluten 4. Would you enjoy worrying about your baby? a.       Yes b.      Absolutely, my life is too boring c.       What’s there to worry about? 5. Do you enjoy spending weeks without sleep? a.       Yes, provided I can watch Lingerie Football reruns b.      Yes, I’d do anything to be near my baby at night when she screams c.       No, I operate a nuclear […]

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