GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

March 20, 2017
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Unsubscribe

Big, it must be big, very big, and red, and round, like the “easy” button from Staples, and I want it on my desktop, flashing, with a big inscription, in neon letters: UNSUBSCRIBE. With all the latest technology and what not, I’m surprised that nobody has invented yet the UNSUBSCRIBE app. I want to be able to click on that icon and unsubscribe in one fell swoop from all the intrusive and irritating email lists that are making my life miserable. Until such invention comes along — and I do want a commission for giving you all hackers the idea – I must go over thousands of emails manually to find the annoyingly small print where it says “unsubscribe,” which is usually buried deep in the body of the email, among a pile of legal junk. Not only is it difficult to find the stupid link, but once you click on it, you land on a page asking you three times to reconsider. This is especially true of political causes, where the politician in question, all the way from the President to the obscurest democratic candidate for school board in North Dakota, begs you to stay. For some reason, I […]
March 10, 2017
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Tech-NO-logy

The use of the word technology has increased exponentially over the last three decades, reaching 3446 trillion uses in 2016, by Bono alone. When you add the number of times Justin Timberlake gushes about technology, you are talking about a quadrillion. And yet, despite all the whoopla about technology, it took a little known person to discover the big NO in the middle of tech-NO-logy: me. I am, to quote James Comey, incredulous. An etymological exploration of the word tech-NO-logy revealed that its inventor had implanted into the word two secret meanings that only recently have become apparent. The first is that some people who use tech have NO logic, and the second is that there is NO logic in some tech products. I have incontestable proof of the first meaning. My wife and I are taking an online course. The technology is so simple that even the two of us can get it. To connect to the course you have to do two things: click on a link embedded in an email, and insert your phone number in an interactive window that screams at you from the screen and almost grabs your iphone from your hand. It is that […]
March 4, 2017
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Trump Accuses Ben Carson for Failed Brain Transplant

“But you told me that it would last longer than the state of the union address,” President Trump was heard yelling from the oval office. The President was accusing Ben Carson, his neurosurgeon friend, of false promises regarding a brain transplant performed on the President hours before his state of the union address earlier this week. The full text of the conversation between the two men was obtained through a wiretap ordered by President Obama. Trump’s associates were all very upset with Carson, who promised them that the new brain was equipped with the latest emotional self-regulation technology. “Ben, in the future, make sure you get a Russian brain. Talk to Kislyak. Jeff Sessions has him on speed dial” Jared Kushner was heard saying.
February 27, 2017
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Gossip – Miami Style

Working at a university, I have great access to unique resources. Using the latest software from our Center for Computational Time Wasting, I came to the conclusion that the average human being spends on average 7 million hours gossiping. This amounts to 8 hours a day. The average goes up considerably when the Miami Herald publishes speculations about Castro’s death, but using a smoothing function that controls for rumors about the premature death of Latin American dictators, we are pretty sure that 8 hours per day is about right. Given that most people sleep for about 8 hours, watch TV for about 6 hours, and struggle with constipation in the toilet for about 2 hours, it is abundantly clear that ALL of their gossip is done at work, which explains why our economy is in such abysmal state and why GM had to recall 2.6 million cars. Gossiping is such an epidemic that I decided to do some research on it. I, of course, never gossip, so I lacked any personal experience with the phenomenon. As a result, I had to rely on validated tools to collect data: random eavesdropping. I chose a representative sample of visitors to the broadwalk […]
February 25, 2017
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The “New Meaning” Manifesto

  Right now, all over this beautiful country, there are people finding a new reason to be alive. There is promise in the air. Converging groups are creating a revolutionary philosophy of meaning. Rebelling against traditional and constraining norms, these communities are finally asserting their worth and beliefs. Their new credo is about the pursuit of significance and spirituality. This may be the most substantive ideological shift we have seen in years; a social movement of unprecedented proportions. What unites the movement is radical social change, innovation, and a fast return to the African Savannah, when the frontal cortex was the size of a microchip, and emotional regulation hadn’t been invented yet. People in the movement are openly asserting their right to be duped, wrong, and uninformed; and to be led by hateful, deceitful, and oblivious leaders. Quoting a variety of sources, from post-modern to conspiracy theorists, they claim that truth is an invention of elites. Leaders of the movement maintain that the best way to achieve meaning in life is through their platform. To make sure that no shred of establishment is left intact, their manifesto is written in clear and contrasting language. The document reads as follows: We, […]

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