GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

March 4, 2017
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Trump Accuses Ben Carson for Failed Brain Transplant

“But you told me that it would last longer than the state of the union address,” President Trump was heard yelling from the oval office. The President was accusing Ben Carson, his neurosurgeon friend, of false promises regarding a brain transplant performed on the President hours before his state of the union address earlier this week. The full text of the conversation between the two men was obtained through a wiretap ordered by President Obama. Trump’s associates were all very upset with Carson, who promised them that the new brain was equipped with the latest emotional self-regulation technology. “Ben, in the future, make sure you get a Russian brain. Talk to Kislyak. Jeff Sessions has him on speed dial” Jared Kushner was heard saying.
February 27, 2017
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Gossip – Miami Style

Working at a university, I have great access to unique resources. Using the latest software from our Center for Computational Time Wasting, I came to the conclusion that the average human being spends on average 7 million hours gossiping. This amounts to 8 hours a day. The average goes up considerably when the Miami Herald publishes speculations about Castro’s death, but using a smoothing function that controls for rumors about the premature death of Latin American dictators, we are pretty sure that 8 hours per day is about right. Given that most people sleep for about 8 hours, watch TV for about 6 hours, and struggle with constipation in the toilet for about 2 hours, it is abundantly clear that ALL of their gossip is done at work, which explains why our economy is in such abysmal state and why GM had to recall 2.6 million cars. Gossiping is such an epidemic that I decided to do some research on it. I, of course, never gossip, so I lacked any personal experience with the phenomenon. As a result, I had to rely on validated tools to collect data: random eavesdropping. I chose a representative sample of visitors to the broadwalk […]
February 25, 2017
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The “New Meaning” Manifesto

  Right now, all over this beautiful country, there are people finding a new reason to be alive. There is promise in the air. Converging groups are creating a revolutionary philosophy of meaning. Rebelling against traditional and constraining norms, these communities are finally asserting their worth and beliefs. Their new credo is about the pursuit of significance and spirituality. This may be the most substantive ideological shift we have seen in years; a social movement of unprecedented proportions. What unites the movement is radical social change, innovation, and a fast return to the African Savannah, when the frontal cortex was the size of a microchip, and emotional regulation hadn’t been invented yet. People in the movement are openly asserting their right to be duped, wrong, and uninformed; and to be led by hateful, deceitful, and oblivious leaders. Quoting a variety of sources, from post-modern to conspiracy theorists, they claim that truth is an invention of elites. Leaders of the movement maintain that the best way to achieve meaning in life is through their platform. To make sure that no shred of establishment is left intact, their manifesto is written in clear and contrasting language. The document reads as follows: We, […]
February 6, 2017
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Prefrontal Phontex to Replace Prefrontal Cortex

A new region of the brain, called the Prefrontal Phontex, is poised to replace the Prefrontal Cortex in people who constantly use their phones to text. The startling discovery, published in the most recent issue of Unnatural History, reveals that the obsession with texting now has a physical representation. The brain of compulsive texters now contains an android-like cellular mass, surrounded by flickering lights resembling iPhone apps. The Prefrontal Phontex sits between the Prefrontal Cortex and the skull. Researchers at the National Institute of Unnatural History found that the more you text, the larger the Phontex gets and the smaller your Cortex becomes. Scientists predict that avid users of text will lose their entire Prefrontal Cortex in six to seven years. For those unfamiliar with the functions of the Prefrontal Cortex, it is a part of the brain involved in decision making, complex cognitive processes, planning, predicting outcomes, suppressing unacceptable behavior, and distinguishing between good and bad. While health professionals warn against the disastrous consequences of a Cortex-Free society, Dr. Tranquilo from the Miami Institute of Psychiatry thinks otherwise. He told me “that 80% of the people in the city already behave as if they had no Cortex whatsoever and […]
January 16, 2017
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Weight Control: Beware of Crotalaria

To lose weight you are going to have to change your behavior. I know it sucks, but I’m here to help you. Before we begin, let’s dispel a myth right now. Cold turkey strategies do not work. Let’s dispel a second myth: If you have enough willpower you can do anything. Seven millennia of evidence show that human beings do not have enough willpower to even reach for the remote and turn off the TV. The best we can do is to have a behavior change plan consisting of well-informed, achievable small goals that you can track and feel good about. The well-informed part is crucial, because so many people give up bread for salads but shower their vegetables with enough dressing to drown a prisoner in Guantanamo. Aim for slightly smaller portions. Find alternatives to lard that do not derive from animals fed toxins or exposed to environmental, bacterial, or fungal contaminants, mycotoxins, aflatoxins, ochratoxins, endophyte alkaloids (especially Neotyphodium coenophialum), phomopsin, sporidesmin, cyanogens (watch out for dhurrin and linamarin), gossypol (disclaimer: not a Gallup Poll subsidiary), and crotalaria (even animal scrotoplasty won’t help with this one). I know this list contains many threats, but you don’t have to memorize […]

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