GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

November 14, 2016
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Waiting Room Woes

It took me a while to find the right waiting room in the hospital. Me: Can you please tell me where the waiting room for nuclear multi-syllable chromosomal stratospheric endocrinal-catheterization is? Random person wearing a white coat in the hospital: Follow the green line Me: Which one? Random person: The one on the floor After following the green line for 45 minutes I ended up at a garbage dump full of green bins with a big sign on them: “Danger: Radiologic Biologic Morphologic Recycling.” I somehow figured that my friend, who just had a multi-syllabic procedure wasn’t there. Me: Can you please tell me how to get to the information desk? Different random person wearing a stethoscope around his neck and carrying a 2 gallon coke bottle in his pocket: Follow the red line Me: The one on the floor? Same different random person, now drinking from 2 gallon coke bottle, drooling all over his stethoscope: Of course moron! After following the red line for 90 minutes I arrived at the information desk, of Macy’s. At that point I discovered that I was color blind, but a nice lady guided me back to the hospital. I eventually found the department […]
October 24, 2016
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Experiences are better than purchases, if you survive them

My adorable and inquisitive wife Ora, who keeps up with the latest research on well-being, read that experiences are a much better investment in well-being than purchases. Serious studies with more than 2 participants unrelated to the researcher and a margin of error of + or – 0.00385541% show that if you have a little extra cash, better invest in experiences that will cultivate nostalgic moments for the future, rather than in objects. This is provided you don’t get killed or traumatized during one of these experiences. Investigators have demonstrated that buying things does not improve your well-being much. Experiences, on the other hand, have the potential to improve happiness by providing a source of distorted memories that make family vacations sound idyllic. Study after study prove that buying a pair of red shoes, or a red corvette, does not improve your happiness as much as having a meaningful experience with loved ones. Persuaded by the research, Ora decided to improve our well-being by having a new experience: Five consecutive days of shopping at Miami’s finest malls. Day 1: Aventura Mall Day 2: Dolphin Mall Day 3: Merrick Place Day 4: Dadeland Day 5: The Falls I tried telling Ora […]
October 10, 2016
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Context Is Everything

The biggest lesson in well-being is knowing what contexts are good for you, and which ones cause convulsions. In my case, shopping induces not just convulsions, but also STS (Sudden Trump Syndrome), which includes temper tantrums and involuntary repetitions of the word disaster; to say nothing of the pain and suffering I inflict on my wife. My congenial personality changes dramatically the minute we set foot in a store. Precipitously, my affable self becomes grouchy and grumpy. In the best of times, I manage to laugh at shoppers, but in the worst of times, I get dizzy and swear irrepressibly in four languages. Nevertheless, in my never ending pursuit of (a) becoming a better husband, and (b) overcoming my shopping phobia, I conducted a comparative study. I wanted to see if my mood would be better in certain shopping environs. The research consisted of comparing my mood while shopping for home goods at IKEA and JC Penny. I was excited to go to IKEA because I admire the Swedes. I owned two Volvos, I respect their progressive social policies, and I value their egalitarian culture. My love for the Swedes was supposed to counteract the phobic aspects of shopping. I […]
October 3, 2016
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United in Judgment

Critics of Miami often claim that our city is divided and fragmented. Well, they are wrong. All of us in Miami have something very special in common: We are all judgmental. Hondurans are critical of Salvadorians, Dominicans fight with Haitians, Cubans don’t like to be confused with Puerto Ricans, and the poor Argentineans from Buenos Aires cannot talk to those of us from Cordoba because we are not as erudite, sophisticated, and pretentious as they are. But in times of need, we all come together around something we all love in Miami: plastic surgery. When it comes to flesh and flash, we all lower our defenses, show solidarity, and compare prices between Dr. Buttsky and Dr. Bustos. No doubt, we need more opportunities to suspend judgment and collaborate, which is not easy. Take me, for example. I try really hard not to be judgmental of people who are judgmental, but if I don’t judge their judgmental attitude, they will continue to judge others, generating in their victims a judgmental attitude that they will perpetuate for generations to come, because, as everybody knows, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and silicone implants don’t grow on trees. I believe that […]
September 12, 2016
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Change: Neurosis beats Trumposis

Adapt or die. Change or vanish. Adjust or bust. Exhortations to change are everywhere. From political campaigns to organizational restructuring to therapy sessions. To stay competitive, we are told, we must embrace change. The only constant is change. Change is an imperative. But wait a minute mister! Hold it right there! Who gets to decide what change is good for us? Is it the liberal media? The professorial elite? Chris Brown? Hillary Clinton? Donald Trump? The Dalai Lama? Anthony Weiner? Obviously this is a topic of heated debate, but after years pondering this existential question I found the answer (To be honest, I found the answer when I was 7 years old, but waited 50 years to make sure I got it right). Now, at the ripe age of 57, I’m ready to share with you the authority on change. I looked high and low. I read extensively. I travelled the world. But at the end of the day, I found the answer close to home. The global authority on change is no other than me. This did not come easy to me though. I’ve struggled with humility for many years, but I finally decided that it would not be […]

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