GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

February 25, 2017
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The “New Meaning” Manifesto

  Right now, all over this beautiful country, there are people finding a new reason to be alive. There is promise in the air. Converging groups are creating a revolutionary philosophy of meaning. Rebelling against traditional and constraining norms, these communities are finally asserting their worth and beliefs. Their new credo is about the pursuit of significance and spirituality. This may be the most substantive ideological shift we have seen in years; a social movement of unprecedented proportions. What unites the movement is radical social change, innovation, and a fast return to the African Savannah, when the frontal cortex was the size of a microchip, and emotional regulation hadn’t been invented yet. People in the movement are openly asserting their right to be duped, wrong, and uninformed; and to be led by hateful, deceitful, and oblivious leaders. Quoting a variety of sources, from post-modern to conspiracy theorists, they claim that truth is an invention of elites. Leaders of the movement maintain that the best way to achieve meaning in life is through their platform. To make sure that no shred of establishment is left intact, their manifesto is written in clear and contrasting language. The document reads as follows: We, […]
February 6, 2017
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Prefrontal Phontex to Replace Prefrontal Cortex

A new region of the brain, called the Prefrontal Phontex, is poised to replace the Prefrontal Cortex in people who constantly use their phones to text. The startling discovery, published in the most recent issue of Unnatural History, reveals that the obsession with texting now has a physical representation. The brain of compulsive texters now contains an android-like cellular mass, surrounded by flickering lights resembling iPhone apps. The Prefrontal Phontex sits between the Prefrontal Cortex and the skull. Researchers at the National Institute of Unnatural History found that the more you text, the larger the Phontex gets and the smaller your Cortex becomes. Scientists predict that avid users of text will lose their entire Prefrontal Cortex in six to seven years. For those unfamiliar with the functions of the Prefrontal Cortex, it is a part of the brain involved in decision making, complex cognitive processes, planning, predicting outcomes, suppressing unacceptable behavior, and distinguishing between good and bad. While health professionals warn against the disastrous consequences of a Cortex-Free society, Dr. Tranquilo from the Miami Institute of Psychiatry thinks otherwise. He told me “that 80% of the people in the city already behave as if they had no Cortex whatsoever and […]
January 16, 2017
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Weight Control: Beware of Crotalaria

To lose weight you are going to have to change your behavior. I know it sucks, but I’m here to help you. Before we begin, let’s dispel a myth right now. Cold turkey strategies do not work. Let’s dispel a second myth: If you have enough willpower you can do anything. Seven millennia of evidence show that human beings do not have enough willpower to even reach for the remote and turn off the TV. The best we can do is to have a behavior change plan consisting of well-informed, achievable small goals that you can track and feel good about. The well-informed part is crucial, because so many people give up bread for salads but shower their vegetables with enough dressing to drown a prisoner in Guantanamo. Aim for slightly smaller portions. Find alternatives to lard that do not derive from animals fed toxins or exposed to environmental, bacterial, or fungal contaminants, mycotoxins, aflatoxins, ochratoxins, endophyte alkaloids (especially Neotyphodium coenophialum), phomopsin, sporidesmin, cyanogens (watch out for dhurrin and linamarin), gossypol (disclaimer: not a Gallup Poll subsidiary), and crotalaria (even animal scrotoplasty won’t help with this one). I know this list contains many threats, but you don’t have to memorize […]
January 3, 2017
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Mean, Meaning, and Meaningless

For a fleeting moment, on December 19th 2016 the entire City of Miami came to a sudden and complete halt. The announcement was shocking, almost unbearable. Upon hearing the news, city commissioners stopped talking over each other. Motorists stopped honking their horns. Drivers refrained from texting. They even respected traffic lights. City officials in Opa-locka refused to take bribes, and the former mayors of Sweetwater and Miami Lakes promised to never accept kickbacks again. In Hialeah, people stopped using the Spanish “pero” instead of the English “but.” Plastic surgeons interrupted breast augmentations that had been scheduled for months. Medicare fraudsters stopped enrolling their dead cousins in bogus clinics. Cubans in Calle Ocho interrupted their decade-long festivities celebrating the death of Fidel Castro. TSA personnel stopped hogging the accessible toilets in the Miami airport. Pill mills ceased operations, and, most importantly, termites took a pause from eating my house in Coral Gables. Such grave news had not been heard since the Bay of Pigs. The severity surpassed the disloyal demeanor of LeBron and Dwayne. Upon hearing that Miami was ranked near the bottom on the latest survey of most caring cities in America, residents took to the streets. Such outrage had […]
December 26, 2016
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Financial Colonoscopy

A big part of the American dream is to own a big mortgage, and a little piece of a home. If owning one home in America is a good thing, owning two must be awesome. So my wife and I bought our first, and then our second home in Miami. We have a lovely house in Coral Gables, next to the University of Miami where I work, and a condo in Hollywood Beach. The two poor immigrants were now part of the American dream. Then we started thinking that our perfectly fine 1200 square feet condo in Hollywood was not good enough for us. So we, the embodiment of rationality, thriftiness, prudence, and frugality, acquired on an impulse a third home, and a third mortgage. Ora and I saw a unit for sale in the same building of our condo, and we fell in love with it. All of a sudden the view from our condo, which had mesmerized us for the last two years, was not spectacular enough. All of a sudden the place was not big enough to accommodate our son and his wife. Our congenial mortgage broker, who had helped us with previous loans, told us that […]

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