GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

August 21, 2016
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Culturally Clueless, Linguistically Lost

With all the talk about immigration reform, it is about time I weigh in. I was way ahead of the curve on this one. Anticipating waves of globalization and mass migration, I decided at a young age to be more culturally clueless and linguistically lost than anybody else. I knew that eventually 7 billion people would feel that way, so I set out to beat the crowd by living in several countries and learning a few languages. If I could figure out how to survive in places and cultures foreign to me, I could monetize that by creating the First International Online Academy for the Culturally Clueless and the Linguistically Lost, better known for its simple acronym FIOAFTCCATLL, which rhymes with Quetzalcoatl, which, as everybody knows, is a midfielder in the Mexican national soccer team. To build the curriculum for FIOAFTCCATLL I started travelling and moving places. To prepare myself for my first move from Argentina to Israel, I went to Hebrew School for 11 years, at the end of which I could say, but not necessarily spell, three things: Shalom, Bar Mitzvah, and Yom Kippur. As if I didn’t feel incompetent enough in Hebrew, my wife’s parents were both […]
August 7, 2016
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Crowdsourcing Diseases Good for Economy

Every few years the American Psychiatric Association (APA) updates its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental and Emotional Disorders. The manual, usually called the DSM, is now in its fifth edition and sells like hot cakes. It is worth noting that the number of psychiatric conditions has grown approximately 7982% from the first edition to the latest, leaving only three people on the planet who can legitimately claim they are not kookoo. I’m not going to mention who these people are because the remaining 6,334,999,485,230 will likely sue me for defamation and Obamacare doesn’t protect you from kookoos. You will have to guess if you are one of these people. If you don’t want to guess, you will have to buy a copy of the DSM and review its 27,812,903,225 conditions to see if any apply to you. The problem is that if you did not have a psychiatric condition when you started reading the manual, you surely will have one by the time you finish the book, leaving only two sane people on the entire planet, throwing off my statistical calculations by 0.0000000000000004%; which is very inconsiderate. The APA is unfairly accused of inventing new psychiatric problems to provide […]
July 24, 2016
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Nobel Committee, I’m not Bitter

The phone call never came. I freed up most of my days for the last couple of weeks in anticipation of the phone call from the Nobel Committee, but it never came. Although I’m not bitter, I have to admit I’m surprised. Considering that I was nominated in several categories, it was hard to believe that, once again, I was skipped over for the Nobel Prize. Admirers the world over recommended me in several fields. Here’s a short list of categories and my corresponding achievements or discoveries, as the case may be: 1. Anthropology: Immigration from lawless countries, when combined with a high concentration of plastic surgery billboards, in regions with annual average temperatures above 86 Fahrenheit, results in reckless driving and higher than average Medicare and tax fraud. 2. Linguistics: Based upon observational studies in Hialeah, I discovered that no matter how long or how well Hispanics speak English, they cannot bring themselves to use the word “but” instead of the Spanish “pero.” They can speak flawless English, but the “but” will never replace the genetically and culturally imprinted “pero.” 3. Complaining: This one was recommended by a Herald reader who commented that I was the biggest tool in […]
July 17, 2016
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Condo Living: Behave or go to Raiford Prison

Just outside the door of our condo in Hollywood Beach there is a fire extinguisher with an ominous warning: If you tamper with it you will go to RAIFORD PRISON. Apparently previous signs with mere warnings of incarceration did nothing to deter the elderly Jewish ladies from having wild foam parties. What the sign does not mention, however, is that the town of Raiford is home to both Union Correctional Institution AND Florida State Prison, leading to great confusion among residents. This is especially the case since Wikipedia states that both “house inmates in death row facilities, but only Florida State Prison does executions.” Keep the bastards guessing!
July 10, 2016
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My “Holy Land” Neurosis

In Israel you always have to be vigilant about security issues, which is why my wife Ora brought from Miami four carry-on bags full of rocks. If Arabs didn’t start a new intifada, there was always the chance that Orthodox Jews would throw rocks at you for driving during the Sabbath. It’s good to be ready for any kind of multicultural aggression, especially if you carry within you millennia of Jewish persecutory paranoia fueled by multilingual crusaders and dictators, which is what led me to be a little apprehensive when my brother-in-law took me to the Muslim quarter in the old city of Jerusalem. We were roaming around the Muslim quarter, trying to find the Nablus Gate to meet our family. As we approached the gate we discovered there were 23,556 people in 10-square feet trying to exit the Old City through the Nablus Gate: 23,554 Arabs and two Jews. Feeling a little claustrophobic and a little paranoid, I had an irrepressible urge to shout “Let’s be friends. I am in favor of returning all the territories, including Brooklyn ….. and Miami!” Blame it on 5,774 years of persecution, 3,370 pogroms, 4,898 forced migrations, seven wars, two intifadas, Hitler, and […]

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