GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

October 10, 2016
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Context Is Everything

The biggest lesson in well-being is knowing what contexts are good for you, and which ones cause convulsions. In my case, shopping induces not just convulsions, but also STS (Sudden Trump Syndrome), which includes temper tantrums and involuntary repetitions of the word disaster; to say nothing of the pain and suffering I inflict on my wife. My congenial personality changes dramatically the minute we set foot in a store. Precipitously, my affable self becomes grouchy and grumpy. In the best of times, I manage to laugh at shoppers, but in the worst of times, I get dizzy and swear irrepressibly in four languages. Nevertheless, in my never ending pursuit of (a) becoming a better husband, and (b) overcoming my shopping phobia, I conducted a comparative study. I wanted to see if my mood would be better in certain shopping environs. The research consisted of comparing my mood while shopping for home goods at IKEA and JC Penny. I was excited to go to IKEA because I admire the Swedes. I owned two Volvos, I respect their progressive social policies, and I value their egalitarian culture. My love for the Swedes was supposed to counteract the phobic aspects of shopping. I […]
October 3, 2016
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United in Judgment

Critics of Miami often claim that our city is divided and fragmented. Well, they are wrong. All of us in Miami have something very special in common: We are all judgmental. Hondurans are critical of Salvadorians, Dominicans fight with Haitians, Cubans don’t like to be confused with Puerto Ricans, and the poor Argentineans from Buenos Aires cannot talk to those of us from Cordoba because we are not as erudite, sophisticated, and pretentious as they are. But in times of need, we all come together around something we all love in Miami: plastic surgery. When it comes to flesh and flash, we all lower our defenses, show solidarity, and compare prices between Dr. Buttsky and Dr. Bustos. No doubt, we need more opportunities to suspend judgment and collaborate, which is not easy. Take me, for example. I try really hard not to be judgmental of people who are judgmental, but if I don’t judge their judgmental attitude, they will continue to judge others, generating in their victims a judgmental attitude that they will perpetuate for generations to come, because, as everybody knows, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and silicone implants don’t grow on trees. I believe that […]
September 12, 2016
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Change: Neurosis beats Trumposis

Adapt or die. Change or vanish. Adjust or bust. Exhortations to change are everywhere. From political campaigns to organizational restructuring to therapy sessions. To stay competitive, we are told, we must embrace change. The only constant is change. Change is an imperative. But wait a minute mister! Hold it right there! Who gets to decide what change is good for us? Is it the liberal media? The professorial elite? Chris Brown? Hillary Clinton? Donald Trump? The Dalai Lama? Anthony Weiner? Obviously this is a topic of heated debate, but after years pondering this existential question I found the answer (To be honest, I found the answer when I was 7 years old, but waited 50 years to make sure I got it right). Now, at the ripe age of 57, I’m ready to share with you the authority on change. I looked high and low. I read extensively. I travelled the world. But at the end of the day, I found the answer close to home. The global authority on change is no other than me. This did not come easy to me though. I’ve struggled with humility for many years, but I finally decided that it would not be […]
August 21, 2016
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Culturally Clueless, Linguistically Lost

With all the talk about immigration reform, it is about time I weigh in. I was way ahead of the curve on this one. Anticipating waves of globalization and mass migration, I decided at a young age to be more culturally clueless and linguistically lost than anybody else. I knew that eventually 7 billion people would feel that way, so I set out to beat the crowd by living in several countries and learning a few languages. If I could figure out how to survive in places and cultures foreign to me, I could monetize that by creating the First International Online Academy for the Culturally Clueless and the Linguistically Lost, better known for its simple acronym FIOAFTCCATLL, which rhymes with Quetzalcoatl, which, as everybody knows, is a midfielder in the Mexican national soccer team. To build the curriculum for FIOAFTCCATLL I started travelling and moving places. To prepare myself for my first move from Argentina to Israel, I went to Hebrew School for 11 years, at the end of which I could say, but not necessarily spell, three things: Shalom, Bar Mitzvah, and Yom Kippur. As if I didn’t feel incompetent enough in Hebrew, my wife’s parents were both […]
August 7, 2016
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Crowdsourcing Diseases Good for Economy

Every few years the American Psychiatric Association (APA) updates its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental and Emotional Disorders. The manual, usually called the DSM, is now in its fifth edition and sells like hot cakes. It is worth noting that the number of psychiatric conditions has grown approximately 7982% from the first edition to the latest, leaving only three people on the planet who can legitimately claim they are not kookoo. I’m not going to mention who these people are because the remaining 6,334,999,485,230 will likely sue me for defamation and Obamacare doesn’t protect you from kookoos. You will have to guess if you are one of these people. If you don’t want to guess, you will have to buy a copy of the DSM and review its 27,812,903,225 conditions to see if any apply to you. The problem is that if you did not have a psychiatric condition when you started reading the manual, you surely will have one by the time you finish the book, leaving only two sane people on the entire planet, throwing off my statistical calculations by 0.0000000000000004%; which is very inconsiderate. The APA is unfairly accused of inventing new psychiatric problems to provide […]

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