GOING WELLNUTS

The Humor Blog for Well-Being

July 3, 2016
blog

Travel Trauma

The trauma began as soon as we approached the Delta counter at Miami International Airport. I was quizzing the customer representative about my usual list of concerns: Does the airplane have a toilet? How many years of experience does the captain have? What if Delta is bought by Aeroflot in mid-air? Do we have seats together? Do we have vegan meals? She gave me sort of acceptable answers to the first few questions but stumbled on the meals. She said that my wife Ora did have a vegan meal booked but I did not. We were about to embark on a long trip to Israel with a seven-hour layover in Newark, which is not known for its vegan gourmet cuisine. While I was going through divorce proceedings in my head on account of Ora neglecting to order a vegan meal for me, the customer service representative called on a senior person for help. After staring at the screen for what looked like eternity, she finally said that I did have a vegan meal on the flight from Newark to Tel Aviv. Ora smiled: “I told you that I ordered vegan for both of us.” The first flight was uneventful, but […]
June 26, 2016
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Catastrophizers and minimizers make me look normal

Thoughts play tricks on us. On one hand, they may lead us to worry needlessly. We take a pretty mundane concern, and we turn it into the end of the world. Jewish mothers wrote the book on this. Trust me, I live with one. On the other hand, thoughts may cause us to neglect serious stuff. Overconfident boys wrote the book on this. Believe me; I also have one of those. My wife Ora is a “catastrophizer.” My son Matan is a “minimizer.” They make for an interesting life. Best part: they make me look quite normal. When Matan was young he used to cough. Ora thought it was cystic fibrosis. When the doctor ruled that out, Ora thought it was tuberculosis. When the tests ruled that out, Ora thought it was pertussis. When that was ruled out, Ora moved to another line of worry. Matan is now 26. He recently called us from New York City, where he lives. He reported neck pain. Ora thought it was meningitis. When Matan was four years old, he came home one day with half of his chin hanging out; an accident on the swings. He came to tell us that he needed […]
June 19, 2016
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Management Metric Madness

As every self-respected manager knows (I know because I’m UPPER management), you have to have metrics to measure your goals and assess your progress. You have to have metrics to measure your physical wellness, your productivity, your savings, your laundry habits — everything. Let’s say you’ve worn the same underwear for the last three months; a reasonable goal would be to wash it at least once a week. All over the world, corporations and incompetent people alike pay thousands of dollars for coaches who tell them they need metrics. I was very skeptical, so I did some research on these coaches. I discovered that the only experience they have is telling other people how to achieve their goals; the only goal they’ve ever achieved is getting a website; and the only metric they count is the number of fools who hire them. I found my solution right here on my Outlook email program. I decided to use the Tasks Tab to record my goals and to color code them. After typing furiously for seven hours I recorded 257 goals with all the colors of the rainbow: Blue: Get rich. Purple: Look like Hugh Jackman. Green: Get hired as a coach. […]
June 12, 2016
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Getting Organized Key to Well-Being

Being organized is key to well-being, but only 0.0000000000000000001 percent of the world’s population can legitimately claim that they are organized: my aunt Eusebia and I. Since she passed away over 25 years ago, it is now my sole responsibility to teach the world how to be organized. To be organized you have to be awake (dreams are always very messy), you have to have paper and pencil, or you need to download one of the 5,576,444,290 apps that claim to help with organization, time management, priorities, schedule, goals, objectives, and bad breadth, all essential for success at work. If you are like most people, you are going to spend 2,789 hours choosing the right time-saving app from the app store. After you download it, you are going to use it for about three minutes until you get an email from your brother telling you that you must watch the latest TED talk on productivity. As you are about to click on the link, you are distracted by various pop-ups with offers to purchase cruise tickets, houses on foreclosure, and antiques from Estonia. By the time you are ready to watch the video on productivity you realize it’s time to […]
June 2, 2016
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Graduation: The Light Side

Education is essential for well-being. College graduates earn more money, live longer, and are healthier than school drop-outs. This is why graduation ceremonies are such a big deal. It is really important to celebrate this great educational achievement. During May, thousands of students and parents celebrated an important milestone in their lives. In a rapidly changing world, graduation ceremonies around the country remain a well-established tradition. Some things never change in college graduations: 99% of the graduating girls will have to see a podiatrist after wearing high heels designed for masochists. 100% of 7/11 stores will run out of beer. 99% of commencement speakers will say one or more of the following: I had to go to school uphill both ways When I went to school “cut and paste” hadn’t been invented Turn off your cell phone and smell the roses Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet Change, change, change Change the world Inspiration Entrepreneurship, technology, start up Within you Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever give up Integrity, serenity, sorority, fraternity, liberty, plasticity, creativity, identity, solemnity, curiosity and many other words ending in “ity.” 99% of the graduating students will not hear […]

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