The Humor Blog for Well-Being

July 10, 2016

My “Holy Land” Neurosis

In Israel you always have to be vigilant about security issues, which is why my wife Ora brought from Miami four carry-on bags full of rocks. If Arabs didn’t start a new intifada, there was always the chance that Orthodox Jews would throw rocks at you for driving during the Sabbath. It’s good to be ready for any kind of multicultural aggression, especially if you carry within you millennia of Jewish persecutory paranoia fueled by multilingual crusaders and dictators, which is what led me to be a little apprehensive when my brother-in-law took me to the Muslim quarter in the old city of Jerusalem. We were roaming around the Muslim quarter, trying to find the Nablus Gate to meet our family. As we approached the gate we discovered there were 23,556 people in 10-square feet trying to exit the Old City through the Nablus Gate: 23,554 Arabs and two Jews. Feeling a little claustrophobic and a little paranoid, I had an irrepressible urge to shout “Let’s be friends. I am in favor of returning all the territories, including Brooklyn ….. and Miami!” Blame it on 5,774 years of persecution, 3,370 pogroms, 4,898 forced migrations, seven wars, two intifadas, Hitler, and […]
July 3, 2016

Travel Trauma

The trauma began as soon as we approached the Delta counter at Miami International Airport. I was quizzing the customer representative about my usual list of concerns: Does the airplane have a toilet? How many years of experience does the captain have? What if Delta is bought by Aeroflot in mid-air? Do we have seats together? Do we have vegan meals? She gave me sort of acceptable answers to the first few questions but stumbled on the meals. She said that my wife Ora did have a vegan meal booked but I did not. We were about to embark on a long trip to Israel with a seven-hour layover in Newark, which is not known for its vegan gourmet cuisine. While I was going through divorce proceedings in my head on account of Ora neglecting to order a vegan meal for me, the customer service representative called on a senior person for help. After staring at the screen for what looked like eternity, she finally said that I did have a vegan meal on the flight from Newark to Tel Aviv. Ora smiled: “I told you that I ordered vegan for both of us.” The first flight was uneventful, but […]
June 26, 2016

Catastrophizers and minimizers make me look normal

Thoughts play tricks on us. On one hand, they may lead us to worry needlessly. We take a pretty mundane concern, and we turn it into the end of the world. Jewish mothers wrote the book on this. Trust me, I live with one. On the other hand, thoughts may cause us to neglect serious stuff. Overconfident boys wrote the book on this. Believe me; I also have one of those. My wife Ora is a “catastrophizer.” My son Matan is a “minimizer.” They make for an interesting life. Best part: they make me look quite normal. When Matan was young he used to cough. Ora thought it was cystic fibrosis. When the doctor ruled that out, Ora thought it was tuberculosis. When the tests ruled that out, Ora thought it was pertussis. When that was ruled out, Ora moved to another line of worry. Matan is now 26. He recently called us from New York City, where he lives. He reported neck pain. Ora thought it was meningitis. When Matan was four years old, he came home one day with half of his chin hanging out; an accident on the swings. He came to tell us that he needed […]
June 19, 2016

Management Metric Madness

As every self-respected manager knows (I know because I’m UPPER management), you have to have metrics to measure your goals and assess your progress. You have to have metrics to measure your physical wellness, your productivity, your savings, your laundry habits — everything. Let’s say you’ve worn the same underwear for the last three months; a reasonable goal would be to wash it at least once a week. All over the world, corporations and incompetent people alike pay thousands of dollars for coaches who tell them they need metrics. I was very skeptical, so I did some research on these coaches. I discovered that the only experience they have is telling other people how to achieve their goals; the only goal they’ve ever achieved is getting a website; and the only metric they count is the number of fools who hire them. I found my solution right here on my Outlook email program. I decided to use the Tasks Tab to record my goals and to color code them. After typing furiously for seven hours I recorded 257 goals with all the colors of the rainbow: Blue: Get rich. Purple: Look like Hugh Jackman. Green: Get hired as a coach. […]
June 12, 2016

Getting Organized Key to Well-Being

Being organized is key to well-being, but only 0.0000000000000000001 percent of the world’s population can legitimately claim that they are organized: my aunt Eusebia and I. Since she passed away over 25 years ago, it is now my sole responsibility to teach the world how to be organized. To be organized you have to be awake (dreams are always very messy), you have to have paper and pencil, or you need to download one of the 5,576,444,290 apps that claim to help with organization, time management, priorities, schedule, goals, objectives, and bad breadth, all essential for success at work. If you are like most people, you are going to spend 2,789 hours choosing the right time-saving app from the app store. After you download it, you are going to use it for about three minutes until you get an email from your brother telling you that you must watch the latest TED talk on productivity. As you are about to click on the link, you are distracted by various pop-ups with offers to purchase cruise tickets, houses on foreclosure, and antiques from Estonia. By the time you are ready to watch the video on productivity you realize it’s time to […]

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