The Evolution of “Thank You”
November 30, 2013
Governor Christie: I suffer from Metabullyc Syndrome
January 15, 2014

Test Your Wellness IQ

Myth: If you go to some hospitals in California, you will pay $ 24 for a Tylenol with codeine pill that has a market price of $ 0.50.

Fact: You will not pay $ 24. You will pay instead $ 37 for a single Tylenol pill! 

Myth: A stitch in time saves nine.

Fact: I don’t know what stitches you are talking about, but in most hospitals around the country, nine stitches will cost you about $ 4500.

Unlike most things I write about, these facts are true. I know they are true because they were reported by the New York Times on December 3rd, 2013. Granted, that newspaper does have a liberal bias, but even if they exaggerated a bit, you still end up with a pretty big number. Let’s say the New York Times reports that a Tylenol pill costs $ 37, and Fox News says it costs $ 23, you still end up with an average of $ 30, which is enough to build a small hospital in Burundi.  

Let’s face it. If you don’t want to become a victim of overpriced pills or medical procedures, you must invest in wellness. But before we jump into dangerous territory, such as getting up from the couch to eat a piece of broccoli, let’s assess your overall well-being. Answer the following quiz:

Interpersonal well-being: When you need emotional support…

a.       You hug strangers at random in the mall

b.      You post tragic messages on Facebook and stare intently at the screen for hours in hope that somebody will feel pity for you and throw you a word of sympathy

c.       You flip channels until you find a reality TV show with characters more pathetic than you

If you answered a, you should wash your hands often. If you answered b, you should go to meetup.com and start a Desperate Anonymous group. If you answered c, you are like 99.9% of Americans.

Community well-being: When there is crime in your neighborhood…

a.       You blame the police

b.      You blame the National Rifle Association

c.       You blame Obamacare

If you answered a, you are in trouble because the police will come after you next. If you answered b, you are Piers Morgan. If you answered c, you are watching too much Fox News.

Occupational well-being: When you are not satisfied with your work…

a.       You spend 95% of your time at work on the internet looking for another job

b.      You spend 85% of your time at work on the internet posting nasty messages about your boss

c.       You spend 75% of your time at work pretending that you are working.

If you answered a, you are like Kathleen Sebelius and most contractors trying to fix Healthcare.gov. If you answered b, you are like most reality TV characters. If you answered c, you are like 127% of Americans.

Psychological well-being: When you feel stressed…

a.       You smoke 3 packs of cigarettes per day

b.      You send your wife to the gym

c.       You buy a stress reduction book on Amazon

If you answered a, don’t get near me with that awful smell. If you answered b, you will be able to smoke in peace. If c is your answer, be careful the book is not delivered by a drone that will confuse you with a Pakistani terrorist.

Physical well-being: When you feel the urge to exercise…

a.       You sit tight and wait until it passes

b.      You go to the mall and buy new exercise clothes

c.       You buy an exercise video from Amazon

If you answered a, you are like 99% of Americans. If you chose b, you are like 98% of Americans. If you chose c, the drone will eventually get you.

Economic well-being: When you max out on your credit card…

a.       You have been buying too many exercise clothes you will never use

b.      You blame Obamacare

c.       You get a new credit card

If you answered a, you can open your own Lululemon store. If you answered b, no need to worry because you will eventually get a job at Fox News. If you answered c, you are like 99% of college graduates.

Now sum up how many of your answers are a, b, and c. If you answered “a” more than three times, you can become a wellness coach and start getting suckers to buy your videos. If you answered “b” more than four times, you have a tendency to blame others for your problems and you very likely have eczema. If you answered “c” twice or more, you should try to get your cholesterol level below 400 and eat more kohlrabi, raw, with mice juice. The alternative is to pay $ 30 for a Tylenol pill, or become a vegan like me.  

 

  

 

 

Leave a Reply