Falling in the polls, and facing accusations of incompetence, the President recently announced that all current and future federal employees, including those working in the White House, would have to pass a test to qualify for their position. The announcement sent existing employees scrambling to register for online courses hastily mounted by The College Board. In- person tutoring in the DC area is also available. Thousands of employees have already requested special accommodations for taking the test, citing a variety of reasons, from learning disabilities to testicular evaporation under stress.
The announcement came amidst revelations that the President had taken the test himself and decided that everyone working for the federal government should be at least as intelligent as he is. Paralleling existing cognitive tests, the assessment will consist of verbal, non-verbal, and quantitative components. The verbal component consists of remembering, in order, the following words: person, woman, man, camera, TV. The non-verbal requirement consists of identifying an elephant among three animals. The quantitative portion, by far the most challenging one, consists of counting backwards by seven from one hundred. Performance on the test will have far reaching implications for the federal bureaucracy.
As soon as the announcement was made public, the Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos took a leave of absence to prepare for the test. Jared Kushner immediately called his old friend (name censored) to see if he could (sentence censored) on his behalf. Bill Barr already announced an investigation to discredit the investigators that he predicts will launch an investigation into the scores of Jared Kushner.
Determined to show the country that the White House is not in disarray, Trump made public a report outlining the positions people can apply for based on test performance:
In a public display of competence, Trump said that the top three performers on the test will be in charge of reopening the economy. Early results of testing show that Florida Governor Ron DeSaster, achieved a perfect score. Georgia Governor Brian Kemp came a close second. Miami-Dade County Mayor, Carlos Gimenez, came third. Testing and tracing shows that these three men have been in contact, infecting each other with ignoramus gravis, covidiocy, and personal libertitis, known to affect men with sycophantism and a recessive integrity gene. Bill Barr rushed to certify the results of the tests. The President welcomed the results of the testing competition. Now the economy is moving at Trump speed again, towards self-destruction.
Isaac Prilleltensky is an award-winning academic and humor writer. His latest books, The Laughing Guide to Change, and The Laughing Guide to a Better Life, co-authored with Ora Prilleltensky, combine humor with science.