There are three main voter groups: lunatics, average, and neurotics. Since the lunatic group has already picked its candidate, remaining politicians need to study the other two. Let me address the average group first. People in this cluster spend quite a bit of time pondering the meaning of life. Does my existence matter? What is the purpose of life? Most Americans are really concerned about these philosophical issues.
In fact, the latest research shows that the average American spends increasingly more time every year asking existential questions. The time devoted to these concerns has gone up every year since 1649. Compared to that year, in 2015 the average American spent 327% more time thinking about the meaning of life. We are now at an all-time high for pondering existential matters: 28 seconds per year. I emphasize that this is the time spent worrying by the average American. In sharp contrast, the neurotic American spends 25 hours a day fretting. Since there are now more neurotic than average voters, I recommend that candidates pay attention to the former.
Neurotics like me worry about different things throughout the lifespan. For example, there are a number of serious prenatal concerns that neurotic babies experience in the womb, such as lack of Wi-Fi spots. Their mothers are desperate to send ultrasound pictures to their parents, workmates, and 2 million Facebook friends as soon as the sonogram is ready. The neurotic unborn worries about that, increasing the chances of PTSMD (pre-term social media disorder).
In addition, the unborn need access to email. They need to know whether they got accepted into the most exclusive and ridiculously expensive college prep nursery. Email access for the unborn is a real priority in this country.
When I was an unborn, my primary concern was to beat 300 million sperms in the quest to fertilize an egg. Without a doubt, this is the most existential period of time for any sperm. Unless you reach your destination, you vanish into the black hole of fallopian tube history. Sperms can use intrauterine GPS technology to avoid traffic jams. Any candidates with high-tech background?
Once they come to the world, neurotic newborns have a lot to worry about. By the time they go to college the SAT will have a music appreciation component, so they better master Mozart from a young age. In addition, newborns have to burp. When all is said and done, burping is the main reason of a baby’s existence. Parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles want baby to burp. If you are an astute politician, you better come up with a fast acting burping formula. Neurotic parents will love you. When I was a newborn I had two main concerns: circumcision and feeling guilty for crying during my bris. You want the Jewish vote? How about some guilt prevention strategies?
By the time they reach infancy, neurotic kids need help with college applications. Want the young parent vote? How about some free tutoring for early decision? Now, to be sure, neurotics come in different forms. When I was an infant, instead of thinking about college I worried about the size of my ears. It was at that time that I started planning my move to Miami — plastic surgery capital of the world. While the average toddler today is obsessed with Super Smash Bros and Mario Kart 8, I was obsessed with Fascism, Anti-Semitism, and diverticulitis. You can call me paranoid, but you didn’t grow up in Argentina, surrounded by dictators, Nazis, and red meat.
If you’re a politician thinking about the long-term, you need to listen to teenagers’ concerns. Since all adolescents are neurotic, and you want their future vote, you need to promise the elimination of two things: zits and embarrassing erections.
Now, the real population of concern is obviously adults of voting age. I warn politicians that it will be hard to get their attention because, as of last count, there are no more average Americans of voting age. They are all neurotic and addicted to Apple products like iPhones, iPads, Watches and, their latest invention, i-enemas. When they’re not obsessing about Apple products and standing in line to buy the latest gadget, they’re either having sex, texting while driving, watching football, or drinking beer. Obviously, politicians have very little time to influence this group.
This leaves only neurotic senior citizens, who worry about two existential threats: erections and memory. Male senior citizens are desperately trying to get an erection with large quantities of Viagra, while their female partners are desperately trying to remember what an erection looks like.