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Big, it must be big, very big, and red, and round, like the “easy” button from Staples, and I want it on my desktop, flashing, with a big inscription, in neon letters: UNSUBSCRIBE. With all the latest technology and what not, I’m surprised that nobody has invented yet the UNSUBSCRIBE app. I want to be able to click on that icon and unsubscribe in one fell swoop from all the intrusive and irritating email lists that are making my life miserable. Until such invention comes along — and I do want a commission for giving you all hackers the idea – I must go over thousands of emails manually to find the annoyingly small print where it says “unsubscribe,” which is usually buried deep in the body of the email, among a pile of legal junk.

Not only is it difficult to find the stupid link, but once you click on it, you land on a page asking you three times to reconsider. This is especially true of political causes, where the politician in question, all the way from the President to the obscurest democratic candidate for school board in North Dakota, begs you to stay. For some reason, I never get emails from the Republican Party asking me for money, or from the National Rifle Association. They respect my privacy. I value that. The Democratic Party, in contrast, is way too promiscuous with emails. That’s it. I’m switching parties.

I fantasize about having this big red icon on my desktop and being able to press it and all of sudden reduce the number of daily emails from unwanted sources from about 16,000 to 2. In fact, I will pay a handsome reward for the computer programmer able to devise the object of my fantasy. It must be big, and red, and require just one click. No questions asked, no options to reconsider, no text boxes explaining why you are leaving. Zero, zilch, good bye. That will constitute my liberation.

Until such time, I have to contend with emails from the likes of Cyagen Biosciences, which can’t distinguish between a Doctor in Psychology and one in Ratology. Word for word, here’s their latest email dated July 2nd, 2014, 10:49am:

Dear researcher,

Outsource your transgenic or knockout mouse projects to Cyagen this summer and pile on the savings! Invite your friends or colleagues to take advantage of our group buy on transgenic, knockout & knockin mice – get up to 20% off of multiple mouse lines when you or anyone in your group places an order:

  • 10% off 1 mouse line
  • 15% off 2 mouse lines
  • 20% off 3 or more mouse lines

Cyagen’s animal model generation service gets you the knockout, knockin, or transgenic mice you need guaranteed, at the industry’s lowest price.

Hyperlink: >>> Learn about our animal model expertise

Hyperlink: >>> View our transgenics & gene targeting mouse offerings

Were you referred by one of our existing customers? Let us know through our Mouse Service Referral Program and enjoy an additional $500 discount or 5% off (whichever is greater)!

Cyagen’s mouse service team provides technical support throughout your project and was rated “very technically capable” by 9 out of 10 recent clients. Use our service to boost the impact of your basic research: Cyagen animal models have been published in top journals such as Nature and Cell. It’s easy to get started: just reply to this email or tell us about your research goals in the comments field of the groupbuy webform. You may also call us at 800-921-8930. Our mouse experts will be happy to discuss your research goals.

*All customer inquiries are strictly confidential.

Best regards,

Cyagen Client Relations Team
2255 Martin Avenue, Suite E
Santa Clara, CA 95050
Tel.: 800-921-8930

Transgenic? Knockin? Knockout? That sounds like a boxing match between sexually diverse genes.

I do have a PhD, and some psychologists do experiment with mice, but the only time I see rats is in nightmares, which have only increased since the Cyagen offers.

Apparently somebody really wants me to switch careers. The following email, received from Dr. Sam Wang, on the same day, reads as follows:

Dear Dr. Isaac Prilleltensky,

Have you ever spent much time and energy to generate an antibody, which unfortunately fails to perform in your experiments? We understand your struggles very well, and would like to offer you a working alternative.
We believe for most proteins, there are a certain number of regions could be used as promising antigens to produce high-quality antibodies. To maximize the chance of success, we usually apply a number of antigens (up to 20 protein fragments and/or peptides) instead of just one or two; the diverse antigens could map all the best possible regions of the target protein.

Ordering is simple, just email me the target protein (accession number or sequence).We will provide a detailed evaluation and quote in two business days. If you have any question, please feel free to contact me.
Hundreds of scientists have published papers which cite the use of our custom monoclonal antibodies.

Below are a few

Journal
Antigen
Description of the antigen
Application
SEAL service package
PLOS genetics
6,11
TnI
 troponin I
IF
4 epitopes+1 protein
15 antibodies
Blood
117,7014-20
C/ebp Alpha
 CCAAT/Enhancer Binding Protein Alpha
WB; IP
6 epitopes
15 antibodies
Nature
464,601-5
zf Raldh2
 zebrafish Retinaldehyde dehydrogenase 2
IF
3 epitopes+ 1 protein
11 antibodies
Nature Genetics
41,228-33
U2HR
 an inhibitory upstream open reading  frame (ORF) in the human hairless gene  (HR)
WB
8 epitopes
22 antibodies
PNAS
105,19211-6
Barkor;
Beclin 1
 Barkor:Beclin 1-associated autophagy-  related key regulator;
Beclin 1:Coiled-coil myosin-like BCL2-  interacting protein
WB
5 epitopes
13 antibodies

You know what you can do with your monoclonal antibodies Dr. Wang? You can shove them up your epitopes, past your coiled-coil myosin, all the way to your autophagy. And if that doesn’t work, use the Enhancer Binding Protein Alpha and the related key regulator to push it upstream to the open reading frame. I can only hope that the Retinaldehyde of your eyes will look like zebrafish. If you get dehydrogenase in the process, make sure the human hairless gene does not fall off your head. For further instructions refer to table above, which you sent me.

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